FIRST WOOLIES NOW JACKSON , FUCK !

As the World comes to terms with the demise of one of this centuries biggest icons our thoughts turn to his impact on our lives - sadness creeps over us like a troupe of child dancers sadly leaving the stage after performing an arse clenchingly awful , overblown , faux-environmental cuntfest and we bear our shitty arses in contempt , like a mildly peturbed lanky Britpop singer or something .







Michael Jackson was discovered dead today in his Los Angeles home , he had suffered a massive heart attack and was discovered cock handed , his leather britches around his ankles , Disk Three of the Home Alone boxset still playing on his DVD player . A sad demise for a once peerless performer .







We spoke to sinister homosexual and former Jacko protege Stedman from Britsoul superstars Five Star who could only blurt out between the tears '...It should have been Tito...' while combing his hair.







Jackson whose physical and mental decline was obvious to viewers of reality TV show Bo Selecta in the early nineties , which also featured complicated facial hair advocate and Two-step superstar Craig David . David commented ' We had a lot in common in those days due to our musical genius and the fact that both our christian and surnames could be used as both christian and surnames names , though admittedlty more so in my case however Jackson is a popular christian name in some communities . Michaels outlandish appearance and erratic behaviour was a concern to all on that show and he was almost like a warped caricature of himself with his swearing and use of jive talk '



'I remember walking into his dressing room once when Ronnie Corbett was making a guest appearance on Banzai that was being filmed in the next studio at Channel Four - Michael had enticed golf mad Ronnie his dressing room by saying he knew Tiger Woods and forced him to drink some 'Jesus Juice' which was actually a bottle Tyxilix-esque dossers favourite 2020 , Ronnie was very drunk and Michael had put one of his favourite blankets over Ronnies head and was about to take him for a dicky back ride around the dressing room , I got Ronnie out and explained to Jacko that he was a grown man and not a boy ! All he could say was that he loved that little boys Scottish accent and it reminded him of his mate , the drummer out of the Bay City Rollers who also had a reputation as an unwise choice of babysitter'

Michael Jackson is dead yet let us not focus on the facts that he was a full on nonce and totally fucked in the head and remember his musical legacy , his influence can be heard in act as diverse as Can , Tom Waits and Extreme Noise Terror . The King of Pop Is Dead .

TRANSFORMERS 2 EXCLUSIVE

Here Is an exclusive preview of one of the new Transformers from the blockbuster summer hit Transformers 2 . Pictured above is Plughole who is an evil Decepticon disguised a bathtub with flexible shower attachment , will the Autobots be able to deal with his ability to soak some cunt , and his shower curtain that renders him invisible - who cares it shite

Mallets Dickensian Handicap Knocking Shop

Fuckwitted eighties childrens entertainer Timmy Mallet has gone into hiding on advice of his Lawyer as yesterday it was revealed thet he is the owner-operator of a bizarre house of ill repute and has been for several years . 'Anything goes' pervert Mallet , 63 , pictured left attempting to entice a roasting out of Ant and Dec by showing them his man-mallet at a recent showbiz barbeque in his back garden , has been running the brothel which is located above a chip shop in Hove to generate extra income due to the demise of his childrens TV presenting career .

We spoke exclusively to Jeff Charlton who was employed by Mallet as a toilet cleaner and fluffer at the establishment , known simply as ' Barnaby Rudge '

"This all started in about 1992 when they stopped making The Wide Awake Club and Timmy was at a loose end of a Saturday morning - he has always had unusual tastes sexually and as he a lump sum redundancy from ITV decided to use the funds to provide a service to individuals with similar tastes . His thing is dressing up the handicapped in Dickensian garb and coaching them to speak in a Dickensian style , this really gives him the horn ! He had requested this service in various mainstream brothels in Hove but found their attention to detail fell short of his pedantic expectations...Great Expectations , if you like ! so he decided to start this venture up - The dirty cunt !

"Each room in the brothel was themed around a popular Dickens novel and each mong , flid or retard we recruited had to have acheived at least GCSE English Literature Grade C ( or equivelant ) before undertaking employment , if not Timmy would pay for them to be tutoured at the local technical college to get them up to speed which he wrote off as a charitable act for tax and reputational purposes . For example we had an Oliver Twist room which involved a Dwarf dressed up as Oliver asking 'Please Sir can I have some more' while bearing his arse - then during the subsequent sex act a one legged Mr Bumble rushed in and beat them both with his crutch while a paraplegic Fagin sat in his wheelchair , rubbing his shabbily gloved hands together and laughing manically . We had an 'Our Mutual Friend' room where devotees of 'Mutual' would recieve hand relief from a one armed Noddy Boffin while fiddling with his parts till they went off . The Old Queeriosity Shop was popular with our Gay clients as it involved the customer being 'roasted' by a blind Kit Nubbins and Dick Swiveller , the client was introduced the room naked and the two pro's had to find them by touch - we got fantastic feedback from that one ! Our most popular room by far was Great Sexpectations , the customer takes pleasure from a bed-bound Miss Haversham who then sets herself on fire then a burley Abel Magwich with a severe speach impediment bursts into the room and bums them both in the style of a Nineteenth centuary convicts bullyramming , Timmy was particularly fond of that one !"

What sort of individuals used these services ?

" Well we had allsorts and it was very discreet - the rooms were dressed to a very high standard and the reception room downstairs was operated as a traditional Victorian Ginshop . Timmys showbiz connections generated a lot of custom as the brothel was an open secret in such circles - Chris Tarrant was fond of a bit of Oliver and Noel Edmonds once singed his beard on a flaming Miss Havesham , Oh how we laughed ! We had AA Gill the pointless twatty writer from the Times in - I think he did all the rooms but complained about the quality of the gruel we served in the Oliver room , Plumb gargling arts critic Brian Sewell used to come in at Christmas as we did a Christmas Carol room from November to January in which we used chains and real ghosts , he loved that did Brian . The showbiz thing was part of the downfall as last week we had Peter Andre visit as he had booked an hour in The Tail and Two Titties room as it involves a titwank off a big titted retard dressed up as Miss Pross the Governess - he has been missing such things since his split from Jordan - of course he turned up with a camera crew and a load of photographers and we were busted ! Timmy was visiting that day as he was checking out standards - The Police arrived to arrest him but he distracted them with his gaudy shirt , hit them with his mallet and escaped in a waiting Hansom cab and we havent heard from him since - I personally think he is lying low in a slum in London somewhere with the stable of workhouse urchin pickpockets that he has been mentoring over the last two years with his companion Corky who is a lifesize hand carved wooden doll , a bit like Aunt Sally but with the eyes of a girl seeking intercourse with the Devil , who he talks too and sleeps with ! He may not be found for years as I know he has a Clipper on standby at Dover waiting to take him to France incase of exposure -plus he has several chests full of treasure from his pickpockets and he recieved all the Disabled Living Allowance and Invalidity Benefit from the workers in the Brothel - He's minted !"

Here we end the strange tale of Timmy Mallet - Pimp , Pervert , apallingly dressed Benefit cheat , doll bummer and Wacaday cunt !

The Great Detective in Repose

...Conciousness crept over me like an icy wave - unsure of my surroundings -smells and sounds invaded my senses - the sweet aroma of the opiate - streaked the underlying acrid stench of depravity - What fresh Hell is this ? - a goat cried out in anguish 'Meeeehhh' - then stopped - Stillness pounding - a headache - a bastard behind the eyes - my sight blurred I attempted to focus and evaluate my plight within a cloud of fetid murk .

Shifting slightly I detected a warmth of my flanks and on futher investiagtion I discovered the presence of two naked , thankfully human -sexually indeterminate beings - unconscious but breathing either side of me - their origin it seemed to be the Far East as they were furnished with sexual characteristics both male and a female ! The trunk of my body appeared to be strewn with the fiberous remains of a soft citrus fruit - possibly a blood orange . I was clad in only a tattered pair of strupets stockings and the sturdy leather apron commonly worn by blacksmiths - on lifting this I dicovered my flaccid hampton adourned with some sort of sexual contraption common in Arabia I believe - tethered at the foot of the ramshackle cot I was lying in , was a male Goat - of the type common to most Northern European countries - Its yellow eyes seemed to mock my being to the core and may well have been the eyes of Satan himself in the context of this foul midden , but it wasn't . Beside me on a table sat the paraphenalia of my greatest vice - the Demon Opiate - I had undertaken use of my indulgence to enable my mind to grapple with the challenges of my current case - The strange murder of General Sir Jeffrey-Charlton of the Victorian Scottish Rifles - his body discovered in The Limehouse district of London wrapped in a carpet - his face hideously contorted and evidence suggesting he was buggered to death several days earlier by person unknown .

I suddenly became aware of an approaching shuffeling gait , I quickly feigned unconscousness - as the footsteps grew nearer - I was aware of the flickering light of a candle dancing across my prone form and detected uneven breath near my face its stench being similar to the Bear cages I had seen at the Russian Circus I had visited on a previous case . I openned my eyes and was confronted my the Gargoylesque features of a hideously deformed hunchbacked Chinaman - In these days of advanced Medical exploration he was truly study worthy - as Watson would have observed he had evidently lost his footing upon the completion of an ascent of the much lauded ugly tree and unfortunately struck every branch during his hasty descent . I mustered my strength and bellowed 'Gadzooks ! I shall have at you , Sir !' Despite his dispicable and fearsome visage - alarm was palpably obvious in his eyes - with a few infernal subhuman grunts he scuttled away as best as his twisted limbs could carry him . As he alighted i noticed a crescent shaped hole in the seat of his roughshod britches - undoubtedly very similar to the scrap of hessian of Eastern manufacture I had discovered on investigation the body of the murdered General !

My mind now alert , I was desperate to extricate myself from my current plight and share my discovery with Watson . The noise generated during the exchange with my Oriental aquaintence had evidently caused my companions to stir - as I attempted to rise their eager hands , danced across my nether regions pawed my naked flesh as they uttered presumeably depraved phrases in their native tongue -I paused - reached for my loaded opium pipe , lighted the vapourising oil lamp and drew the foul poison in to my lungs and allowed its sluttish seductions to be victorious over my better reason - as my companions dragged my down the greasy pole of depravity one more time - 'Curse You God For Making Me This Way ' I cried before becoming completely immersed in the gloom...

Text taken from Sherlock Holmes And The Case of The Embuggered General By Arthur Conan Doyle and is part of the ocaisional series Great Detectives in Unlikely Sexual Situations . Future issues include Poirot - Cum on My Spats and Miss Marple and The Village Fate Jam Judging Spit Roast.

SATANISM ON THE RISE , GOD HAS FORSAKEN US , THE CHURCH IS FUCKED !

A substantial increase in Satanic activity , including sacrifice has been noted as the United Kingdom lies limp - like a spent cock in the leather studded guantlet of the cruel dominatrix of the global credit crisis . We spoke exclusively to Sergeant Reverand Jeff Charlton , an ordained priest and unecessarily brutal hardman copper , from the Metropolitan Police's Devils and Ghost Squad . His specialist squad, which includes a tame ghost , a mystical Pikey , Derek Ancorah and some Liquorice Imps - are tasked with the investigation and containment of diabolical activity and paranormal mischief , including the incarceration of protagonists in a specially built unit - a bit like on Ghostbusters but probably in hell or something .


Sgt Rev Charlton explains " During the last six months as financial pressures have mounted on the average family we have seen people turning to alternative methods to improve their situations . I would liken it to behaviors exhibited in society in less enlightened times , such as a sacrifices being made to ensure that a harvest was successful and associated pagan rites . People have cottoned on to the fact that theres absolutely no fucking point praying to God as he forsook the human race round about the time Alcopops and ringtones were invented and people started saying 'Cunt' on the telly "



He continues " Over the last week alone we have had a Wicker Man style burning of a perfectly friendly tramp in Swindon , which we believe was done to aid in the sourcing of an away strip for a local under 10's football team , A man sacrificed a goat on the bonnet of his Vauxhall Astra to ensure its smooth passage through its MOT - despite his offering it still failed on emisssions - We also had reports of a multi-individual La Veyan style 'sex magic' ritual taking place in an Aldi carpark in Aberdeen as the store had run out of bread - this was initially thought to be a dogging incident , however the bulk of the protagonists appear to have been wearing Aldi staff uniform and it took place in broad daylight - the porridge wogs have a history diabolical involvement as illustrated in the movie Wicker Man - the dirty cunts "



" We have also seen an increase of individuals atempting to summon ancient Demonic beings such as Danone , Treseme and Pasquale - they seem to be trying to harness diabolical powers for their own ends . I personally dealt with an individual who was attempting to raise Satan on his patio - he had made a DIY alter out of a milk crate and a disposable barbacue and had thrown his daughters pet hamster on as an offering - his neighbours came round with a bottle of wine and a potato salad as they smelled barbaque and discovered him cock-handed , atempting to add his man-essence to the ritual for good measure and called the Police - he tried to evade arrest but tangled the Asda halloween cloak he was wearing on a trellis while vaulting a privet - we discovered on questioning that he had applied for planning permission for an extension and hoped The Arch Grumble Duke could use his powers to get in through the planning department before the weather turned to keep costs down . I feel it pertinent to mention at this point that the individual did own a copy of 'Bat Out Of Hell' by Meatloaf - you can draw your own conclusions from that ! '



" We also have a number of public figures who have embraced the Dark Side - TV Weatherman Michael Fish is a devotee of Crowley and uses magick to divine the weather for his forecasts , TV's Nick Owen has established an Anton La Vey style Church of Satan in Luton -we think this is more to do with him dipping his wick with a load of filthy goth slappers rather than any true belief in Lucifer - Julia Bradbury from TV's Watchdog considers herself Satans Earthly fuck-puppet and the UK's foremost Satanic temple whore - how can we take consumer advice seriously from someone who is getting rodgered off the Devil and probably several of his minions ? If they think diabolical influences will aid their careers they are well off the mark - If that was the case Bradbury wouldn't have such funny looking Pinochio nose - though I fucking definately would , have you seen her in her wellies on Countryfile ! - Also dog fighting is more likely to be added to our primetime schedules than Owen & Fish !

What action can we expect from Church Authorities ?

" The Church are too busy protecting...er dealing with their peadophile problem and the fallout of having an ex-priest dancing around like a fucking bellend on Britains Got Talent and running about on the track at Brands Hatch dressed as a fucking pixie "

He Adds " I would point out to the the Government that my remit also includes Ghosts - i need more manpower and funding due to the increase in Satanic activity - the Ghosts have been under-policed of late and are very active in several areas of crime such as burglary , pickpocketing and prostitution . They are paticularly active in historical buildings such as The Houses Of Commons - We wouldn't want the ghost of Churchill to fly up Gordon Browns shit-pipe during Prime Ministers Question Time , now would we ?

Parts

Took the car to my local independant Fast Fit centre today , a rather grubby gentleman asked if I wanted him to inspect my back pipe - as I have had concerns regarding the soundness of the exhaust system I said yes - before I knew it I was bent over the inspection pit and his 'C' was indisputedly right up my 'A' and his colleague , the tyre fitter , was subjecting me to rough oral . I hope they fitted genuine parts !

DIY

I visited my local Independent DIY supplier today , the proprietor approached me and asked If I "fancied a bit of rough" as I had originally visited the store for sandpaper I answered Yes . Before I knew it I was bent over the key cutting machine with his 'C' right up my 'A' and the counter assistant was enjoying a party in my mouth ! And people say 'Support local tradesmen' - that would never happen in B&Q !

Public Inconvenience

Was aproached by a couple of rum sorts in a public convenience today , they asked me if I was a 'Bertie' and as Albert is my middle name I answered yes . Before I knew it I was bent over the hand dryer , one Gent shoved his 'C' right up my 'A' and his companion was making the best of my mouth as I tried to mumble 'Is this a bullyramming?' And people say 'Whats in a Name!

THE FRENCH DISEASE

As we approach The European Parliment Elections an incendiary report regarding the HIV virus is about to be released which will send shockwaves throughout the European community . Compiled by the University of Rutland's Virus Research Institute and authored by AIDS legend - Professor Jeff Charlton - the study was funded by prominent UKIP member and slave owner Sir Sefton Uppingham-Osprey . It claims to deliver shocking new information regarding the origin of the disease , a new strain and potential threats to this country .




We spoke exclusively to Professor Charlton in his research lab situated in a prefab three miles away from the umiversity campus on the eve of the reports release .He gives an overview of his discoveries


" Previous research and common pub wisdom supports the theory that the initial transfer of the virus frm ape to man ocurred through the consumption of bushmeat in Africa , through the study of HIV carriers and forensic research we have isolated the genus and can state with a large degree of minimal uncertainty that the initial transfer ocurred in France in the late sixties-early seventies . We have also isolated the DNA of the individuals involved in the initial transfer and can reveal that they are boozy French singer Serge Gainsborg and a Macaque "

Through interviews with Mr Gainsborg's former housekeeper we have pieced together evidence and an explaination of how this unlikely incident occured . It seems that around 1969 , Mr Gainsborg won a Macaque monkey in a big nose competion and took it to live with him in his Paris apartment - he initially kept it with some affection as a pet , but soon tired of cleaning up its shit and of its constant masturbation which proved offputting to his many female guests . His relationship with the monkey deterioated and Mr Gainsborg , furious at not getting his end away due to the monkeys distasteful wanking , took to dressing the monkey up as General De Gaulle , verbally abusing , spitting at it and beating it with a knotted rope . By this point the relationship had turned sour and the monkey began to show aggression towards Serge - eventually it escaped from the shoebox he kept it in and went feral within the apartment . This developed into a battle of wills between Serge and the monkey including daily and sustained mutual physical attacks , the monkey would violently attack Serge if he attempted to leave the apartment - for two years the battle continued with both parties locked in combat to the death . By this point the apartment was in some state of disrepair , the monkey had dragged Serge down to its level , they fought over food and the whole place was full of human and primate shit and jizz . Eventually Serge enticed the monkey by putting his cock in a banana skin and hiding behind a curtain , when the monkey was in range Serge grabbed it and throttled it with a shoelace - then disturbingly and probably due to Serges dehumanisation he indulged in what can only be described as a dead monkey hate-fuck , here we have the transfer of virus from animal to human"

"Obviously him being French and not having had the pleasure of a woman for two years , the first thing Serge did was get out there and get into some serious sport-fucking ! In an eight week period it is estimated he bedded over a thousand women, and was noshed off by at least another three hundred - including several high profile showbiz figures , here we have the first human to human transfer and the creation of the genus as we know it . Although we can have sympathy for his situation and Serge is still a popular worldwide cultural figure - Im Afraid history will now see him as a dirty French bastard that bummed a dead monkey"

"The virus seems to have mutated to a slightly differant strain within France possibly due to the fact that despite not outwardly obvious , though suspected by many for years , the French are fucking differant to us ! When the virus enters the French physiology it seems that their immune system fails to react with agression , it does not protect its borders or endeavour to repel the hostile invader , of course there are a few areas of isolated resistance - but has a whole the immune system seems to welcome the virus - you could say collaborates with it - we are calling this Maurice Chevalier syndrome . What seems to help is a blood tranfusion from a an English donor , on entry into the French immune system the introduced anti-bodies go about the business of containing the virus and boosting the cowardly French immune system - we are calling this the D-Day effect"

"The spread of the disease within France is also rapid due to the country having a higher than average proportion of brown hatters , prossies and 'artistic types' - all rutting away like animals with scant attention to who or what their sexual partner is , typically every holes a goal and at present condoms have not been invented in France . Also general hygene plays a part , we all know that the French are dirty bastards that stink of garlic and shit , they eat things that we kill in our gardens - I visited a public convenience in France as part of my research and it was like visiting the Somme , there was piss , four inches deep on the floor and the pot had more skidmarks on it than the landing deck of the Ark Royal . I took swabs and on processing discovered the whole place was crawling with AIDS , even the Dyson Airblade - you can draw your own conclusion from that ! Normally AIDS can not be caught from toilet seats but I would advise all British nationals - but not the Welsh - not to make any arse/bogseat contact if visiting France - I observed cleaning and maintenace take place while insitu - it was basically an aged Frenchman walking round the cubicles , spitting in his beret and giving the bogseat a quick wipe ! I'd rather shit my bags than lay cable in those bogs"

" I am presenting my findings to a Government thinktank and moving on to my next UKIP sponsored project -which is blaming the Muslims for swine flu - it is the Governments decision on what action is taken - My main concern is that with the borders being so open with France via the tunnel that we are leaving ourselves open to French AIDS , do we really want hundreds of Frenchman peddling through the tunnel on their antiquated bicycles , berets and Breton tops with a bunches of fresh AIDS round their necks instead of onions ?"

For generations the French have had a massive influence on the culture of this country , and we have gladly welcomed gifts such as Allo Allo , Poirot , Deja Vu , Lindsay De Paul , Tintin , Michelangelo , Danny LaRue , lingerie and pasta -into our lives , but will we be unwittingly welcoming their greatest gift of all , French AIDS , into our homes and arses ?

Alan Latchley - Football Manager , Motivational Guru , Rapper ( Article Originally published The Scunthorpe Bugle )

Scunthorpe UTD Director of football , Alan Latchley has made the unusual move of releasing a Hip-Hop single , Called "Dare to Phail" after Alans ever popular motivational seminars it features rhymes drawing on his experience as a lower leagues manager and has been hailed by music critics for blunt and honest depiction of grassroots football and its macho culture . I spoke to Alan who was on his way to an appointment to discuss remixes with Pharrel from NERD , I asked him why Hip - Hop ?

" Well ever since I saw John Barnes' terrific rap on world in motion Ive seen Hip-Hop as the most suited musical medium for football - the rhythim and foul language that I employ in my team talks and the element of performance lends itself to the medium . The trails , tribulations and predjudices faced by Football Managers are much the same as those experienced at street level by my homies in the projects and ghetto's of the inner cities in the US . One example is the institutional persecution of Afro-Americans at the hands of law enforcement agencies - this is exactly the same as what we experience at the hands of the Football Association , the referees are the FA's street cops and there brief is to take a Muthafucker down regardless of guilt or innocence ! As with any ghetto-ised group we Managers have problems with substance abuse - in the ghetto it may be cheap crack , in the managers office it is fine wines , cigars and prawn sandwiches . I have had my problems in the past but I am working them out through my music I have a track in the can called " Tupacs O' Hamlet and a Neuf Du Pap " which is a joint I worked on with DJ Muggs from Cypress Hill "

And what of your Hip Hop influences ?

" I dont get into the East Coat/West Coast thing though the rivalry is similar to when we play Grimsby -I like UK HipHop - particularly Grime like Dizzy and Roots Manuva -Im more into an organic sound and can see myself moving away from samples and working with a live band - Smokie have been in contact about reworking "Alice" but making it "Alex" as in Sir Alex Ferguson -Im sure Its a goer "

Will this see you move away from football ?

"Football is my Wife . I go home to Football every night eat with her , argue over watching the soaps with her and ignore her sexual advances - Hip Hop is my Ho - I can do things with my Ho that I cant with my wife - like anal , You Feel Me ! I... I drive to the darkside in my five-o , make a fuck on her booty then pop a cap in her ass - but not an international cap, Oh No.... "

Here we leave Alan Latchley a man passionate about his wife and his Ho - Below is an exclusive lyricalpreview from Alans first single ....

DARE TO PHAIL

My Name's Al Rock and I get respect

The pressing game is what I expect

We tried longball pre-season at Shoreditch

And we got overun in the middle of the pitch

The back four played far to high

And the midfield ended up watching the ball in the sky

I like a couple of big lads running channels up front

Ive got a striker on loan who's a useless cunt

Bigtime Charlie , always snorting the dust

Did his medial ligaments before we got off the bus

He's the only out and out striker I have in my stable

And now he's getting a massage on the treatment table

When the chairmen sees me coming he's gonna shit his kecks

Im gonna burn up his cash like a tube of Ralgex

I rang Tony Mowbray bout signing Chris Brunt

He says he wants 2 million for the skinny cunt

I said thats too much and tried not to flip

But he thinks he'll get goals in the Championship

I offered 1.5 in instalments as a bit of lark

Now Ive brought Dean Windass to Glanford Park

He wants to play upfront and not in the hole

So I offered him a bung and a coaching role

In his first game he was clean through

But he has a turning circle like the QE2

He got a shot away and fell over like a bitch

It hit a handicapped fan at the side of the pitch

Knocked her out of her wheelchair , caused a fit and laceration

Now the brother is subject to litigation

Took him straight off , muthafucker was mad at me

Replaced him with a Belgian on a Bosman free

We got caught on the break and conceded a soft goal

Centreback ballwatching like a fucking asshole

At the full time whistle got the bum's rush

He said their striker gave him push

I said fuck you Mutha , I dont care

Muthafuckers gonna get mugged , he dont get his body there

Two weeks later he's on the transfer list

Mutual frottage with a trainee , one off the wrist

After training , soaped up in the communal bath

Now again Ive reduced my senior playing staff

Homie physio warned me " he's a brown hatter , Latch "

Used to listen to Bette Midler after every match

Im all about equality for the homosexual

But the bummers aint good for team morale....

WHOAH WHOAH , DARE TO PHAIL

INA PLAYOFF POSTION

WHOAH WHOAH , DARE TO PHAIL

SAFE FROM RELAGATION

WHOAH , WHOAH , DARE TO PHAIL

MIDTABLE RESPEC -TABILITY

Gordon Sting's Insect Sex Ark

Spokesmen for Geordie superstar and tantric sex practioner Sting , real name Gordon Sting , were unavailable for comment today as an account of Stings involvement with the Rainbow Trust from one of the Kayapo Indians from Deepest , Darkest Peru surfaced . This corespondant spoke exclusively via an interpreter with Big Chief Pikachu Pokeman , whose name translates as Jeff Charlton , about Stings involvement with the enviromental charity and his experiences of the daft cunt while staying with Sting and his harridan wife Trudie Styler at their home in Wallsend Tyne and Wear .

He intimates " When I first met Sting it was at a dinner party with Anita Roddick from the Body Shop as we had a trade agreement with her whereby we spent all day collecting nuts and grinding them up for one of her facial scrubbs and she gave us a few beads, a mirror and a few bottles of Aldi whiskey every month in exchange - good business for us . Anyhow she had me doing a few tricks with my lip plate , you know like putting a coin on it and flicking it in the air , resting a can of beer on it and talking in clicks like we do - Sting was fucking lapping it up he and Trudi were pissing themselves laughing - they were sat next to Prince Charles who was so pissed on organic ginger wine that he puked his ring up in his crown the dirty cunt ! - everyone was enjoying the evening "

" Sting approached me later on when I was having a tab on the balcony and started chatting . He told me although he was happy to lend his name to causes celebres for public relations reasons what he really wanted was a connection in the rainforrest to help him out with a project he was developing . It was funny even though Im from a fucking rainforrest and I talk in clicks like a dolphin I was struggling to understand the twat - he was 'Why Aye' this and 'Haddaway and shite' that - of course him being pissed didn't help - he and Trudy had turned up with a slab of Ace lager and the weren't fucking spreading the joy if you know what I mean - tight twats ! Any way he invited me to discuss it at his house in near Newcastle "

" I arrived two weeks later as I was booked to appear in an Elton John video , for which I recieved ten pairs of tracksuit bottoms as payment for the tribe elders -Le Coq Spotif they were - nice . Anyway Sting got down to business straight away - what he wanted was for my tribe to provide him with a shit load of wood because he is very interested in insects , thats where his name comes from - he had tired of the rockstar lifestyle . what he was planning to do was build an insect ark on the river Tyne and he a Trudy would sail around the world and collect two of each species of insect in every country they visited ! He said he knew that there were issues with deforrestation but he had seen a David Attenborough the other day and it looked like there was fucking loads of wood knocking about . He said in repayment I could appear on a chatshow with him and he would give me a TV and a video so that I could show the tribe elders that I was the dogs bollocks when I got back to the jungle , I agreed as I thought at least he will be preserving species of insect in his insect ark...how wrong was I "

" Later Sting showed me to his coal house in his garden where I was to sleep that night - I settled down but I could not sleep that night as I had the skitters and kept having to have a shite in the rockery and wash my arse in Stings water feature - so I was back and forward all night . In the small hours I heard Sting and Trudy arguing - It turns out despite his reputation for tantric shennanigans - he usually shoots his mess as soon as Trudy gets her knickers down and thats some job as she looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp most of the time - no pun intended . The only situation which would prevent Stings little problem is if he is distracted by the presence of exotic insects - I would of told him to try football results as it works for me . It seems the real reason for Stings Insect Ark was for him to cruise around with Trudy and give her a right good seeing to with a load of fucking bees and ants all over the place , under the pretence of saving endangered spiecies - Trudy was understandably enthusiastic about this and had tried to introduce insects to there love life - she had stuck a Praying Mantis up her arse a couple of times and put a spider on Stings japseye but apparently the volume of insects present was the key "

" Anyhow I fucked off home in me canoe early doors next day as I didn't want to face them and as I wanted my video and telly when I got home we cut down a shit loads of trees and shipped them for him as agreed - I think he got Jimmy Nail and the rest of the cast of Auf Wiedersehen Pet to build it to keeo costs down - I appeared on Russell Harty with him and got my video no bother and didn't think about it again - I only contacted Sting again because the remote on the telly he gave me packed up and I wanted to know if he had taken out aftercare on it - last week I paddled over to his villa in Tuscany and gave him a knock - he fucking blanked me - he said he didn't do any jungle shit anymore and was all about the Africans now ! Thats why I've come forward now to show what a fucking tit he is !

But what of Stings Insect Ark ? " Oh he built it all right ! but he never used it - about that time a load of insect films came out like Eight Legged Freaks , Arachnaphobia and Ants etc and he found if he watched those while on the nest - it helped him keep the Wolf from the door , so to speak ! He still has it moored on the Tyne and its used as a floating nightclub for all the pissed up Geordie's and cunts from elsewhere on stag and hen do's to use , I bet he's fucking raking it in !

And here ends the strange tale of Stings Insect Ark

CELEBRITY REAL LIFE DONKEY KONG

The following was forwarded to your corespondant by a member of the public on discovery in a shithouse cubicle of some wanky media bar in London Town next to a pile of non-specific white powder and a Blackberry (check out my Ebay if you are interested in this item , VGC and completly reset ! £120 or best offer!) This appears to be a Synopsis for a new reality TV show . On questioning the staff in the Bar it was dicovered that the commisioning Editor of Channel 5 was seen stumbling into the toilet in a tired and emotional state minutes before the mugging ...er discovery.

CELEBRITY REAL LIFE DONKEY KONG - A SYNOPSIS

SYNOPSIS - Involves two teams - Team A four celebrities who attempt to scale Blackpool Tower and Team B stationed at the top of the tower attempt to repell Team A by throwing barrells down the Tower .

THE TEAMS - Team A - A team of four plucky celebs - Suggestions - Dean Gaffney , Will Mellor , Kathy Staff , Ulrika , Jo Brand , Mylene Klass , some Blue Peter twat , some cunt off The Bill/Grange Hill , a Welshman and well thought of comedien with a low-ish TV profile .

Team B - A team of four dangerously insane mental patients dressed up in
Monkey suits.

PRESENTERS - The usual male female paring ie Johnny Vaughan & Goldie Hawn , Barry Sheene & Sarah Greene , James May & Darren Day , Gaby Logan & Terry Wogan , Barry Took & Kelly Brooke , Simon Cowell & Jenny Powell , Max Wall & Davina McCall , Ant & Dec and Paul Weller & Sarah Michelle Geller . NB - at present I believe Ant & Dec have signed up for Celebrity Animal Abuse which involves Ainsley Harriot bumming a Donkey .

BUILD UP - In the run up to the event we show the trials and tribulations of the celebrity team , obviously including some fat cunt who will struggle physically with the challenge , some precious prima donna who moans constantly about snapping nails etc and some arrogant shite who winds everyone up and someone you previosly thought was a twat revealing themselves as a top bloke and good egg . TV gold!

As regards Team B we show mini biogs during the build up including a brief overview of their crimes , interviews with any surviving victims , overview from their supervising physicians including details of all medictions and possibly footage of them rolling around in thier own shit and wanking .

THE REVEAL - Just before the climb starts we reveal to the audience -
A - Team B's medication was withdrawn one week pre-event.
B - Team A have been spiked with a weeks worth of aforementioned medication.
C- The Barrels that Team B will throw contain Team A's shit which has been
collected during the training .

POSSIBLE OUTCOMES - I can see a number of satisfying outcomes for this show including
MURDER
SUICIDE - primarily within Team B
DEATH BY FALLING - A variety show staple , see Noels House Party
ARSERAPE
CELEBTITIES covered in SHIT

SEVERE NEGATIVE REACTION - to non-prescribed medication and the withdrawl of medication from Team B

HEALTH AND SAFETY / ETHICAL CONCERNS - All celebrities will receive full climbing training and we will include regular updates from a mental health professional a la Big Brother to offset concerns about the exploitation of Mental Patients . All proceeds from the show will go to a charity for people born inside out .

THE DEMOGRAPHIC - The public display an un-sated hunger for any shite which involves a celebrity of any level on telly doing any pointless task , it will also appeal to mongs who sit on thier arse all day playing computer games due to the formats seed idea coming from Donkey Kong . Also everyone loves Monkeys and mentals , I believe Peter Jackson recently made a ( Really shit ) new version of King Kong about five years ago so the Monkey up tower thing is a familiar concept in the media .

THE CHANNEL - Channel Five all the way though the format may fit in with some Satalite/Digital channels ie Challenge - Re-runs on Dave a definate possibility .

BUDGET - £4 million quids , mostly spent on whores and cocaine for the senior production team we could always use this to make some original worthy programming....Nah!

A MAN HAS SHIT HIS PANTS

Shocking reports are filtering through that a man has shit his pants in a public place . The incident took place on a busy city centre street in Swindon where families ( including children ) were going about their business on a normal weekday only for an un-named male approximatly 42 years of age with collar length grey hair - wearing a blue 'Hoodie' style top , blue jeans with shit caked on his arse and running down his legs and a pair of 'bought off the market' white trainers . Amazingly a plucky eye witness caught the culprit on film as Shitpants fled the scene .

Detective Inspector Randy Rimmer from Wiltshire Constabulary stated " At present we are looking to speak to this individual as a matter of urgency - at this juncture we do not know if this was a malicious act of public disorder , a simple following through , if the culprit had a stomach upset or if the individual derives sexual pleasure fom the act . It is possible - though unlikely that he simply slipped in some dogshit , though initial forensic analysis , the location and pattern of the staining does not support that theory . We would like to speak to the individual to clarify the situation only - no criminal charges are pending on this matter - though the dirty fucker wants to have a serious word with himself "

He added " It could always be a matter that the shitter is a pissed up addled fuckwit and dirty cunt who walks around fouling his underwear regularly - his appearance and the casual way he walked away suggest this could be the case , we are very concerned for the welfare of this hopeless twat . Obviously we have a photograph of the individual and several eye witnesses - we can confirm that he walks with an unusual and very brisk gait - through a search of the area a pair of size 34 waist Gino Nouvelli denim jeans covered in shite were recovered from a skip outside of Primark , it is unconfirmed at present if this discovery is connected or if they are a discarded shop soiled stock item - although in the case of Primark I understand their policy in the event of this kind of shop soiling would be to spray the item with Lynx , knock a couple of quid off and put them back on display . The location of the underwear is unknown it could be that they could be discarded elsewhere or maybe kept for sentimental reasons - we would ask that any members of the public discovering any discarded shitty mens pants to please hand them in at your local constabulary "

He continues " We would also like to make it clear that despite the obvious resemblence noted by many from the photo - the culprit is NOT James May from TV's Top Gear . We contacted the BBC imeadiately and were told that Mr May was on location with Top Gear probably trying to make a boat out of a fucking caravan or something equally cuntish with his two arsehole mates "

" Someone will know who this individual is , it is possible - though highy fucking unlikely judging by the clip of the fucker - that this individual has a normal home life - we would ask wives , girlfriends and bumchums - has your partner returned home stinking of shit or without his trousers or wearing new trousers with a crap excuse like his other pair split ? - please contact us in confidence so we can resolve this issue " The investigation continues .

Have you shat yourself in public , maybe an elderly relative of yours has please forward your hillarious stories £10 for any that reach print !

GOK WAN - HETRO , SCRUFF , LYING CUNT !

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Premier League Annouce Unprecedented Rule Change

Today a Premier league spokesman announced unprecedented rule changes planned for implementaion as soon as the 2009-2010 season which will shake the world of football to its very core . The Premier League executive has responded to concerns that the lack of competion and the unchalenged stranglehold of the Big Four - Manchester Utd , Chelsea , Arsenal and Liverpool - have on European qualification places which is damaging the credibility and commerciality of the League - the changes are designed to break this stranglehold and encourage a greater competive edge in future seasons .

Kenny Disprin from the Premier League Executive made this statement from the steps of Lancaster Gate

" Due to well documented concerns from football professionals and fans it has been decided that the way points are earned - more specifically in the event of a draw - will be changed from the start of the 2009 - 2010 season . In a nutshell in the event of a draw instead of both teams being awarded one point each - an additional point will be awarded to the team manager who has the biggest cock . It is predicted that this will open up the League and break the dominance of the clubs with greater financial wherewithall . Although radical , we feel in the context of the sport that this is the way forward for the League . At present there are no plans to roll this out in cup competitions "

We spoke exclusively to Brian Calpol from the League Managers Association to get his reaction to the announcement

" Our membership is very concerned about these changes - as regards the Big Four - Sir Alex is hung like an Argos pen - and is furious about this , Arsene Wenger is like a fucking Tripod - so he gains , Rafa Benitez has raised questions about girth , Guus Hiddink , despite being Dutch , claims he would struggle to get a stott-on with an audience "

"Outside of the Big Four , from my knowledge of our members -David Moyes seldom gets his cock out as he is ashamed of his ginger bollocks - Harry Redknapp hasn't had wood since he left West Ham - Ricky Sbragia at Sunderland has massive balls but a tiny cock - Big Sam at Blackburn has a nickname that belies his physical capability - Phil Parkinson at Hull has a cock like a babys arm holding an apple - Martin O'Neills is like a frozen prawn that fell asleep on a walnut . Also Tony Pulis at Stoke is erm ... easily excitable - he usually shoots his muck when Stoke are awarded a throw in - And Roy Hodgson at Fulham is at present considering gender reasignment as he already looks like a middle aged woman - So its mixed fortunes for the upper and lower midtable teams - and there a number of implications which may effect the roll-out of this system "

" Outside of that we a seeking clarifaction around how the measurements will be taken - we understand these will be done by the forth official imeadiately after the full time whistle but we have no information on the amount of stimulation allowed , if any visual stimuli will be available and the role of the Assistant Manager in the process - I dont think the image of Iain Dowie 'fluffing up' Alan Shearer on a cold January night at St James' is an image that any Newcastle fan would relish nor is it presenting a positve image of the game in general '

" This also could have massive impact on management recruiment - Clubs like Chelsea or Newcastle who have a manager on a short term contract may well be influenced on appointment due to this - ie Chelsea - who as we know are well financed with a sophisticated coaching structure could appoint some big cocked no-mark foreign coach on the basis of his shaft length rather than his coaching credentials . Newcastle have moved Joe Kinnear - who has eight inches on the slack - to a hands-off role and appointed Alan Shearer - who is hung like a baby carrot in charge of team affairs till the end of the season in a relegatuon dogfight !These new rules could mean the differance between staying up or not "

" This could also see players who normally would not enter management do so and visa versa - for instance Gary Neville at Man Utd in the autumn of his career who is not much to look at and generally a total cunt but is one of the biggest in the league who's stock will have risen . But Gareth Southgate at Boro - nice bloke but who is all helmet and girth but short of length would probably have been better joining the media instead of trying to pollish a turd in that god forsaken heathen backwater !

" We embrace change and work to meet all new iniatives and we will be looking to set up a forum as this brings into question the overbearing masculine culture within the sport , and will be speaking to the homosexual community within the game , however at present Mark Lawrenson and Graham La Saux are unavailable for comment "

Due to the massive impact that the announcement will have we wonder how great of the past would have reacted to this radical rule change - Oh to have the opinion of Brian Clough - Old Big Head himself .

Counterfeit Goods On Sale In Tesco

Quality control managers at Britain best loved supermarket were in shock today as it emerged that a batch of counterfeit Hobnobs had entered the companies supply chain and been sold in several outlets .

The mixup appears to have occured in a Tesco depot when a shipment of counterfeit oaty biscuits due to be shipped to Africa were confused at point of dispatch - due to an error on the manifold - with a shipment of child slaves due to be sent to a UK superstore to clean the flooring with toothbrushes during extensive refurbishments .

Tesco , who have extensive interests in counterfeit goods and human trafficking in Africa and Asia apologised for the error and have issued a product recall for all batches with the serial number ' ILUV BI9 BOO85 ' any customers who have purchased these items will reiceive full refund/exchange .

The problem was identified by a customer Major Sefton Lickety-Split from Coatham Mundeville who noted the counterfeit Hobnob disolved 37% quicker when dunked in tea than usual - which was repoted via Tesco complaints line.

A spokesmen for Tesco apologised for the error and assured all customers that this was not typical of the business . This is the second embarrasment for Tesco this month as a senior member of Tesco's financial management team was caught bumming a monkey with a Tesco carrier bag over his head - the dirty cunt .

TV'S JACKO IN BOG-CLEANER BUST UP

Friends , family and fellow professionals were gravely concerned today after reports regarding former face of Flash and Brush Strokes actor - Karl Howman . Howman was involved in what appears to be a drunken bust-up with Barry Scott - genius inventor of penny polishing cleaning miracle Cillit Bang . The incident occured at the prestigious Cleaning Product Advert Awards held at a top London hotel last night . The ceremony was attended by the cream of the industry including Kim & Aggie , Mr Sheen , the new look Mr Muscle , Duck ( formally Toilet Duck) , those two fat trannies off the Bounty adverts and the Charmin Bear .

An insider states 'The event was invite only and a no admitance policy was in place at the door , it appears that Karl turned up with the old skinny version of Mr Muscle - who we know has been replaced by a muscular computer generated bender and Toilet Duck - who has also been replaced by a graphic called just Duck - as god forbid that the public relate a cleaning product with anything to do with shit or arses '

He continues ' All three turned up pissed as fuck and obviously bitter about not being invited and were turned away by the door staff when it started to turn nasty . Danny Baker ( who was there to receive a lifetime acheivement award for Daz Doorstep challenge ) got elbowed in the face - the tubby , four-eyed , frizzy haired fuckwit went down like a sack of shite - Toilet Duck spat in Mr Sheen's moustache - luckily he had just parked his spitfire round the back or there may have been bloodshed. ! The security staff got it under control and Karl and the other two were leaving when things got worse

' Barry Scott pulls up in his Aston and starts down the red carpet , Barry is top of his game at the minute - a real industry darling and he has the trappings and fame that go with it ! He turned up with one of those real women , certainly not actresses , off the Sensodine adverts and he was lauding it up on the red carpet - quipping to the photographers that his companion may need to clean her teeth after he'd finished with her - but that he would be providing the man-paste ! Flashbulbs were firing and the press guys were lapping it up'

'It obviously was too much for Karl to bare as only three years ago this was him - he was top of the pile as the malingering husband in the Flash campaign - it was rumoured that he'd gone twoseys up with Kim & Aggie and shown Nannette Newman - from the Fairy ads just how long HE cound last - on the the same debauched night !

Barry saw Karl looking muttering to Toilet Duck and pointing and shouted -

" Ere Brush Strokes - Fuck Off - and take yer bumchums with yer , Theres nowt here for you "

Karl shouted " It wont fucking last mate I got a similar product called Bang with comparable kitchen capabilty and bathroom results from fucking Poundland "

' By this point a crowd had gathered there was a couple of Andrex puppies running about chewing on those cloth things off the Lenor adverts - The Charmin Bear dumped his fucking bait on the red carpet - that baby who wears a suit and talks like a wanky business analyst off the Triple Velvet adverts was winding Karl up - telling him to mop the bear shit up - It was chaos '

' Barry grabbed for Karl but the new Mr Muscle pulled him away someone caught Karl in the nose and he was bleeding down his shirt Barry was shouting about getting some Vanish Oxy - Action on it and the whole scene was ugly - eventually it was broken up and everyone went inside'

'Barry wasnt bothered for the rest of the evening he picked up six awards and all the women were crowding him and getting him to shout "Bang!" in that twatty way he does - Last I saw of Karl he was being dragged away by the Shake And Vac woman - cursing and swigging a bottle of Stardrops'

It seems that a former sit-com favorite may have fallen on hard times but lets wish him all the best and success with his future career and that he picks up a panto or they recommision that fucking awfull sit-com he made with Denise Van Outen - Thanks for the memories Jacko !

LORD CHARLES IS A CUNT

The decline of the variety circuit in th UK is well documented and the effects of this on some of our best loved performers is overlooked and swept under the carpet by industry bigwigs . Reports are filtering through from industry insiders about a series of disturbing incidents which took place during summer season in a North Western coastal resort known for gangs of rabid slappers wearing kiss me quick hats that stink of piss and
candyfloss .

An insider from a regional theatre has intimated a series of events which will shake this struggling industry to its core - Involving upper class puppet Lord Charles - known for his slightly addled 'worse for wear' act- it apears life is imitating art .

He claims ' This all kicked off midway through the summer season when Spit The Dog (also on the bill ) shat on Lord Charles spats - even though Spit is just a mischevious pup - Charles took this badly , being from the gentry he is not used to animals being out of control - he took revenge by putting superglue in Bob Carolgees beard while he slept causing him to miss a matinee show - from what I gather there is a bit of history between the two as during an episode of Tiswas in 1981 , Lord Charles was tring to get his leg over with Sally James in the green room - Letting her have a go of his monacle etc - Spit kept butting in and sniffing her minge much to the amusement of all present , Lenny Henry was fucking pissing himself - Lord Charles was well pissed off about this and would only appear on Swap Shop after that '

He continues ' During a season tensions are heightened as the cast are living in each others pockets and alcohol and drugs to play a part - at the end of the run the cast gathered for a drink and there was powder everywhere - In the business Charles is known as ' The Hoover' if you get me drift ! Spirits were high - but during the night Charles was trying to get his end away with Jeanette Krankie - you know asking her to dress up in her little school uniform and stuff - Ian Krankie came in and gave him a right good fist fucking - he was crawling around on the floor with his little legs dragging behind him - his monacle hanging out of his back-eye - blood dripping on his spats . I heard later that night he managed to get fingers and a nosh off Bernie Cliftons Ostrich after he got her pissed and medicined her with poppers !

Later ' It was all a bit of a blur after that and Charles went off with Cuddles the Monkey and Bobby Davro to score some pills - It seems they hooked up with Barry Chuckle and got into a roasting at the Holiday Inn - Charles likes to watch you see '

But what of his comedy partner and lifelong friend Ray Allen?

' Well , during this incident I saw Ray sitting in his dressing room rocking back and forth crying ! Charles treats him like a second class citizen as he isn't high born like the Lord - Thats the upper classes for you ! Ray had tried to sideline Lord Charles in the late eighties and modernise his act to fit in with the Alternative comedy movement - he had a new puppet called Izzy who was a fat lezza social worker with a catcphrase of 'Show me where Daddy touched you' but Lord Charles found out about it and used his influence in the establishment to hold on to Ray and the act '

We dont know what the future holds for Ray and Charles but it is obvious to all that Lord Charles is a cunt .

The Budget

Today I am visiting Barclays dressed as a city gent and shouting 'Fuck The Pound'

Careers

I was recently dismissed from my position as a shepherd for gross misconduct - I kept mountain goats .

War , War is stupid

I am taking a few moments to think of all those who lost their lives during the Holocaust - I personally lost a relative at Auschwitz - He fell out of a machinegun nest .

Crouchy

I read that Peter Crouch has taken up sailing since his move to the South Coast and is proving to be quite adept at it - as I have always said , He's good on the deck for a Big Lad !

Hawking the Slayer

I see my good friend and intelectual equal Dr Stephen Hawking has been hospitalised - He went for a date witha young lady and came back with his legs broken , ankles dislocated and several slipped discs in his back - She stood him up ! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xbHJbnzOJ0

Sexuality

I dont know about Metrosexuality nor do I consider I fit into any normal 'Labels' however I do believe getting bummed off a couple of binmen saved my marriage and reinvigorated Mrs Latchleys libido - It was straight on straight action none of yer homo this or that - Saying that if I caught my centre half and left back indulging in a quick frot in the showers after a midweek cup game ... Transfer listed...That is the ball of contradictions that is Alan Latchley