A MAN HAS SHIT HIS PANTS

Shocking reports are filtering through that a man has shit his pants in a public place . The incident took place on a busy city centre street in Swindon where families ( including children ) were going about their business on a normal weekday only for an un-named male approximatly 42 years of age with collar length grey hair - wearing a blue 'Hoodie' style top , blue jeans with shit caked on his arse and running down his legs and a pair of 'bought off the market' white trainers . Amazingly a plucky eye witness caught the culprit on film as Shitpants fled the scene .

Detective Inspector Randy Rimmer from Wiltshire Constabulary stated " At present we are looking to speak to this individual as a matter of urgency - at this juncture we do not know if this was a malicious act of public disorder , a simple following through , if the culprit had a stomach upset or if the individual derives sexual pleasure fom the act . It is possible - though unlikely that he simply slipped in some dogshit , though initial forensic analysis , the location and pattern of the staining does not support that theory . We would like to speak to the individual to clarify the situation only - no criminal charges are pending on this matter - though the dirty fucker wants to have a serious word with himself "

He added " It could always be a matter that the shitter is a pissed up addled fuckwit and dirty cunt who walks around fouling his underwear regularly - his appearance and the casual way he walked away suggest this could be the case , we are very concerned for the welfare of this hopeless twat . Obviously we have a photograph of the individual and several eye witnesses - we can confirm that he walks with an unusual and very brisk gait - through a search of the area a pair of size 34 waist Gino Nouvelli denim jeans covered in shite were recovered from a skip outside of Primark , it is unconfirmed at present if this discovery is connected or if they are a discarded shop soiled stock item - although in the case of Primark I understand their policy in the event of this kind of shop soiling would be to spray the item with Lynx , knock a couple of quid off and put them back on display . The location of the underwear is unknown it could be that they could be discarded elsewhere or maybe kept for sentimental reasons - we would ask that any members of the public discovering any discarded shitty mens pants to please hand them in at your local constabulary "

He continues " We would also like to make it clear that despite the obvious resemblence noted by many from the photo - the culprit is NOT James May from TV's Top Gear . We contacted the BBC imeadiately and were told that Mr May was on location with Top Gear probably trying to make a boat out of a fucking caravan or something equally cuntish with his two arsehole mates "

" Someone will know who this individual is , it is possible - though highy fucking unlikely judging by the clip of the fucker - that this individual has a normal home life - we would ask wives , girlfriends and bumchums - has your partner returned home stinking of shit or without his trousers or wearing new trousers with a crap excuse like his other pair split ? - please contact us in confidence so we can resolve this issue " The investigation continues .

Have you shat yourself in public , maybe an elderly relative of yours has please forward your hillarious stories £10 for any that reach print !