The following was forwarded to your corespondant by a member of the public on discovery in a shithouse cubicle of some wanky media bar in London Town next to a pile of non-specific white powder and a Blackberry (check out my Ebay if you are interested in this item , VGC and completly reset ! £120 or best offer!) This appears to be a Synopsis for a new reality TV show . On questioning the staff in the Bar it was dicovered that the commisioning Editor of Channel 5 was seen stumbling into the toilet in a tired and emotional state minutes before the mugging ...er discovery.
SYNOPSIS - Involves two teams - Team A four celebrities who attempt to scale Blackpool Tower and Team B stationed at the top of the tower attempt to repell Team A by throwing barrells down the Tower .
THE TEAMS - Team A - A team of four plucky celebs - Suggestions - Dean Gaffney , Will Mellor , Kathy Staff , Ulrika , Jo Brand , Mylene Klass , some Blue Peter twat , some cunt off The Bill/Grange Hill , a Welshman and well thought of comedien with a low-ish TV profile .
Team B - A team of four dangerously insane mental patients dressed up in
Monkey suits.
PRESENTERS - The usual male female paring ie Johnny Vaughan & Goldie Hawn , Barry Sheene & Sarah Greene , James May & Darren Day , Gaby Logan & Terry Wogan , Barry Took & Kelly Brooke , Simon Cowell & Jenny Powell , Max Wall & Davina McCall , Ant & Dec and Paul Weller & Sarah Michelle Geller . NB - at present I believe Ant & Dec have signed up for Celebrity Animal Abuse which involves Ainsley Harriot bumming a Donkey .
BUILD UP - In the run up to the event we show the trials and tribulations of the celebrity team , obviously including some fat cunt who will struggle physically with the challenge , some precious prima donna who moans constantly about snapping nails etc and some arrogant shite who winds everyone up and someone you previosly thought was a twat revealing themselves as a top bloke and good egg . TV gold!
As regards Team B we show mini biogs during the build up including a brief overview of their crimes , interviews with any surviving victims , overview from their supervising physicians including details of all medictions and possibly footage of them rolling around in thier own shit and wanking .
THE REVEAL - Just before the climb starts we reveal to the audience -
A - Team B's medication was withdrawn one week pre-event.
B - Team A have been spiked with a weeks worth of aforementioned medication.
C- The Barrels that Team B will throw contain Team A's shit which has been
collected during the training .
POSSIBLE OUTCOMES - I can see a number of satisfying outcomes for this show including
MURDER
SUICIDE - primarily within Team B
DEATH BY FALLING - A variety show staple , see Noels House Party
ARSERAPE
CELEBTITIES covered in SHIT
HEALTH AND SAFETY / ETHICAL CONCERNS - All celebrities will receive full climbing training and we will include regular updates from a mental health professional a la Big Brother to offset concerns about the exploitation of Mental Patients . All proceeds from the show will go to a charity for people born inside out .
THE DEMOGRAPHIC - The public display an un-sated hunger for any shite which involves a celebrity of any level on telly doing any pointless task , it will also appeal to mongs who sit on thier arse all day playing computer games due to the formats seed idea coming from Donkey Kong . Also everyone loves Monkeys and mentals , I believe Peter Jackson recently made a ( Really shit ) new version of King Kong about five years ago so the Monkey up tower thing is a familiar concept in the media .
THE CHANNEL - Channel Five all the way though the format may fit in with some Satalite/Digital channels ie Challenge - Re-runs on Dave a definate possibility .
BUDGET - £4 million quids , mostly spent on whores and cocaine for the senior production team we could always use this to make some original worthy programming....Nah!
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