Today a Premier league spokesman announced unprecedented rule changes planned for implementaion as soon as the 2009-2010 season which will shake the world of football to its very core . The Premier League executive has responded to concerns that the lack of competion and the unchalenged stranglehold of the Big Four - Manchester Utd , Chelsea , Arsenal and Liverpool - have on European qualification places which is damaging the credibility and commerciality of the League - the changes are designed to break this stranglehold and encourage a greater competive edge in future seasons . Kenny Disprin from the Premier League Executive made this statement from the steps of Lancaster Gate
" Due to well documented concerns from football professionals and fans it has been decided that the way points are earned - more specifically in the event of a draw - will be changed from the start of the 2009 - 2010 season . In a nutshell in the event of a draw instead of both teams being awarded one point each - an additional point will be awarded to the team manager who has the biggest cock . It is predicted that this will open up the League and break the dominance of the clubs with greater financial wherewithall . Although radical , we feel in the context of the sport that this is the way forward for the League . At present there are no plans to roll this out in cup competitions "
We spoke exclusively to Brian Calpol from the League Managers Association to get his reaction to the announcement
" Our membership is very concerned about these changes - as regards the Big Four - Sir Alex is hung like an Argos pen - and is furious about this , Arsene Wenger is like a fucking Tripod - so he gains , Rafa Benitez has raised questions about girth , Guus Hiddink , despite being Dutch , claims he would struggle to get a stott-on with an audience "
"Outside of the Big Four , from my knowledge of our members -David Moyes seldom gets his cock out as he is ashamed of his ginger bollocks - Harry Redknapp hasn't had wood since he left West Ham - Ricky Sbragia at Sunderland has massive balls but a tiny cock - Big Sam at Blackburn has a nickname that belies his physical capability - Phil Parkinson at Hull has a cock like a babys arm holding an apple - Martin O'Neills is like a frozen prawn that fell asleep on a walnut . Also Tony Pulis at Stoke is erm ... easily excitable - he usually shoots his muck when Stoke are awarded a throw in - And Roy Hodgson at Fulham is at present considering gender reasignment as he already looks like a middle aged woman - So its mixed fortunes for the upper and lower midtable teams - and there a number of implications which may effect the roll-out of this system "
" Outside of that we a seeking clarifaction around how the measurements will be taken - we understand these will be done by the forth official imeadiately after the full time whistle but we have no information on the amount of stimulation allowed , if any visual stimuli will be available and the role of the Assistant Manager in the process - I dont think the image of Iain Dowie 'fluffing up' Alan Shearer on a cold January night at St James' is an image that any Newcastle fan would relish nor is it presenting a positve image of the game in general '
" This also could have massive impact on management recruiment - Clubs like Chelsea or Newcastle who have a manager on a short term contract may well be influenced on appointment due to this - ie Chelsea - who as we know are well financed with a sophisticated coaching structure could appoint some big cocked no-mark foreign coach on the basis of his shaft length rather than his coaching credentials . Newcastle have moved Joe Kinnear - who has eight inches on the slack - to a hands-off role and appointed Alan Shearer - who is hung like a baby carrot in charge of team affairs till the end of the season in a relegatuon dogfight !These new rules could mean the differance between staying up or not "
" This could also see players who normally would not enter management do so and visa versa - for instance Gary Neville at Man Utd in the autumn of his career who is not much to look at and generally a total cunt but is one of the biggest in the league who's stock will have risen . But Gareth Southgate at Boro - nice bloke but who is all helmet and girth but short of length would probably have been better joining the media instead of trying to pollish a turd in that god forsaken heathen backwater !
" We embrace change and work to meet all new iniatives and we will be looking to set up a forum as this brings into question the overbearing masculine culture within the sport , and will be speaking to the homosexual community within the game , however at present Mark Lawrenson and Graham La Saux are unavailable for comment "
Due to the massive impact that the announcement will have we wonder how great of the past would have reacted to this radical rule change - Oh to have the opinion of Brian Clough - Old Big Head himself .
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