Spokesmen for Geordie superstar and tantric sex practioner Sting , real name Gordon Sting , were unavailable for comment today as an account of Stings involvement with the Rainbow Trust from one of the Kayapo Indians from Deepest , Darkest Peru surfaced . This corespondant spoke exclusively via an interpreter with Big Chief Pikachu Pokeman , whose name translates as Jeff Charlton , about Stings involvement with the enviromental charity and his experiences of the daft cunt while staying with Sting and his harridan wife Trudie Styler at their home in Wallsend Tyne and Wear .
He intimates " When I first met Sting it was at a dinner party with Anita Roddick from the Body Shop as we had a trade agreement with her whereby we spent all day collecting nuts and grinding them up for one of her facial scrubbs and she gave us a few beads, a mirror and a few bottles of Aldi whiskey every month in exchange - good business for us . Anyhow she had me doing a few tricks with my lip plate , you know like putting a coin on it and flicking it in the air , resting a can of beer on it and talking in clicks like we do - Sting was fucking lapping it up he and Trudi were pissing themselves laughing - they were sat next to Prince Charles who was so pissed on organic ginger wine that he puked his ring up in his crown the dirty cunt ! - everyone was enjoying the evening "
" Sting approached me later on when I was having a tab on the balcony and started chatting . He told me although he was happy to lend his name to causes celebres for public relations reasons what he really wanted was a connection in the rainforrest to help him out with a project he was developing . It was funny even though Im from a fucking rainforrest and I talk in clicks like a dolphin I was struggling to understand the twat - he was 'Why Aye' this and 'Haddaway and shite' that - of course him being pissed didn't help - he and Trudy had turned up with a slab of Ace lager and the weren't fucking spreading the joy if you know what I mean - tight twats ! Any way he invited me to discuss it at his house in near Newcastle "
" I arrived two weeks later as I was booked to appear in an Elton John video , for which I recieved ten pairs of tracksuit bottoms as payment for the tribe elders -Le Coq Spotif they were - nice . Anyway Sting got down to business straight away - what he wanted was for my tribe to provide him with a shit load of wood because he is very interested in insects , thats where his name comes from - he had tired of the rockstar lifestyle . what he was planning to do was build an insect ark on the river Tyne and he a Trudy would sail around the world and collect two of each species of insect in every country they visited ! He said he knew that there were issues with deforrestation but he had seen a David Attenborough the other day and it looked like there was fucking loads of wood knocking about . He said in repayment I could appear on a chatshow with him and he would give me a TV and a video so that I could show the tribe elders that I was the dogs bollocks when I got back to the jungle , I agreed as I thought at least he will be preserving species of insect in his insect ark...how wrong was I "
" Later Sting showed me to his coal house in his garden where I was to sleep that night - I settled down but I could not sleep that night as I had the skitters and kept having to have a shite in the rockery and wash my arse in Stings water feature - so I was back and forward all night . In the small hours I heard Sting and Trudy arguing - It turns out despite his reputation for tantric shennanigans - he usually shoots his mess as soon as Trudy gets her knickers down and thats some job as she looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp most of the time - no pun intended . The only situation which would prevent Stings little problem is if he is distracted by the presence of exotic insects - I would of told him to try football results as it works for me . It seems the real reason for Stings Insect Ark was for him to cruise around with Trudy and give her a right good seeing to with a load of fucking bees and ants all over the place , under the pretence of saving endangered spiecies - Trudy was understandably enthusiastic about this and had tried to introduce insects to there love life - she had stuck a Praying Mantis up her arse a couple of times and put a spider on Stings japseye but apparently the volume of insects present was the key "
" Anyhow I fucked off home in me canoe early doors next day as I didn't want to face them and as I wanted my video and telly when I got home we cut down a shit loads of trees and shipped them for him as agreed - I think he got Jimmy Nail and the rest of the cast of Auf Wiedersehen Pet to build it to keeo costs down - I appeared on Russell Harty with him and got my video no bother and didn't think about it again - I only contacted Sting again because the remote on the telly he gave me packed up and I wanted to know if he had taken out aftercare on it - last week I paddled over to his villa in Tuscany and gave him a knock - he fucking blanked me - he said he didn't do any jungle shit anymore and was all about the Africans now ! Thats why I've come forward now to show what a fucking tit he is !
But what of Stings Insect Ark ? " Oh he built it all right ! but he never used it - about that time a load of insect films came out like Eight Legged Freaks , Arachnaphobia and Ants etc and he found if he watched those while on the nest - it helped him keep the Wolf from the door , so to speak ! He still has it moored on the Tyne and its used as a floating nightclub for all the pissed up Geordie's and cunts from elsewhere on stag and hen do's to use , I bet he's fucking raking it in !
And here ends the strange tale of Stings Insect Ark
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