The decline of the variety circuit in th UK is well documented and the effects of this on some of our best loved performers is overlooked and swept under the carpet by industry bigwigs . Reports are filtering through from industry insiders about a series of disturbing incidents which took place during summer season in a North Western coastal resort known for gangs of rabid slappers wearing kiss me quick hats that stink of piss and candyfloss .
An insider from a regional theatre has intimated a series of events which will shake this struggling industry to its core - Involving upper class puppet Lord Charles - known for his slightly addled 'worse for wear' act- it apears life is imitating art .
He claims ' This all kicked off midway through the summer season when Spit The Dog (also on the bill ) shat on Lord Charles spats - even though Spit is just a mischevious pup - Charles took this badly , being from the gentry he is not used to animals being out of control - he took revenge by putting superglue in Bob Carolgees beard while he slept causing him to miss a matinee show - from what I gather there is a bit of history between the two as during an episode of Tiswas in 1981 , Lord Charles was tring to get his leg over with Sally James in the green room - Letting her have a go of his monacle etc - Spit kept butting in and sniffing her minge much to the amusement of all present , Lenny Henry was fucking pissing himself - Lord Charles was well pissed off about this and would only appear on Swap Shop after that '
He continues ' During a season tensions are heightened as the cast are living in each others pockets and alcohol and drugs to play a part - at the end of the run the cast gathered for a drink and there was powder everywhere - In the business Charles is known as ' The Hoover' if you get me drift ! Spirits were high - but during the night Charles was trying to get his end away with Jeanette Krankie - you know asking her to dress up in her little school uniform and stuff - Ian Krankie came in and gave him a right good fist fucking - he was crawling around on the floor with his little legs dragging behind him - his monacle hanging out of his back-eye - blood dripping on his spats . I heard later that night he managed to get fingers and a nosh off Bernie Cliftons Ostrich after he got her pissed and medicined her with poppers !
Later ' It was all a bit of a blur after that and Charles went off with Cuddles the Monkey and Bobby Davro to score some pills - It seems they hooked up with Barry Chuckle and got into a roasting at the Holiday Inn - Charles likes to watch you see '
But what of his comedy partner and lifelong friend Ray Allen?
' Well , during this incident I saw Ray sitting in his dressing room rocking back and forth crying ! Charles treats him like a second class citizen as he isn't high born like the Lord - Thats the upper classes for you ! Ray had tried to sideline Lord Charles in the late eighties and modernise his act to fit in with the Alternative comedy movement - he had a new puppet called Izzy who was a fat lezza social worker with a catcphrase of 'Show me where Daddy touched you' but Lord Charles found out about it and used his influence in the establishment to hold on to Ray and the act '
We dont know what the future holds for Ray and Charles but it is obvious to all that Lord Charles is a cunt .
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