SATANISM ON THE RISE , GOD HAS FORSAKEN US , THE CHURCH IS FUCKED !

A substantial increase in Satanic activity , including sacrifice has been noted as the United Kingdom lies limp - like a spent cock in the leather studded guantlet of the cruel dominatrix of the global credit crisis . We spoke exclusively to Sergeant Reverand Jeff Charlton , an ordained priest and unecessarily brutal hardman copper , from the Metropolitan Police's Devils and Ghost Squad . His specialist squad, which includes a tame ghost , a mystical Pikey , Derek Ancorah and some Liquorice Imps - are tasked with the investigation and containment of diabolical activity and paranormal mischief , including the incarceration of protagonists in a specially built unit - a bit like on Ghostbusters but probably in hell or something .


Sgt Rev Charlton explains " During the last six months as financial pressures have mounted on the average family we have seen people turning to alternative methods to improve their situations . I would liken it to behaviors exhibited in society in less enlightened times , such as a sacrifices being made to ensure that a harvest was successful and associated pagan rites . People have cottoned on to the fact that theres absolutely no fucking point praying to God as he forsook the human race round about the time Alcopops and ringtones were invented and people started saying 'Cunt' on the telly "



He continues " Over the last week alone we have had a Wicker Man style burning of a perfectly friendly tramp in Swindon , which we believe was done to aid in the sourcing of an away strip for a local under 10's football team , A man sacrificed a goat on the bonnet of his Vauxhall Astra to ensure its smooth passage through its MOT - despite his offering it still failed on emisssions - We also had reports of a multi-individual La Veyan style 'sex magic' ritual taking place in an Aldi carpark in Aberdeen as the store had run out of bread - this was initially thought to be a dogging incident , however the bulk of the protagonists appear to have been wearing Aldi staff uniform and it took place in broad daylight - the porridge wogs have a history diabolical involvement as illustrated in the movie Wicker Man - the dirty cunts "



" We have also seen an increase of individuals atempting to summon ancient Demonic beings such as Danone , Treseme and Pasquale - they seem to be trying to harness diabolical powers for their own ends . I personally dealt with an individual who was attempting to raise Satan on his patio - he had made a DIY alter out of a milk crate and a disposable barbacue and had thrown his daughters pet hamster on as an offering - his neighbours came round with a bottle of wine and a potato salad as they smelled barbaque and discovered him cock-handed , atempting to add his man-essence to the ritual for good measure and called the Police - he tried to evade arrest but tangled the Asda halloween cloak he was wearing on a trellis while vaulting a privet - we discovered on questioning that he had applied for planning permission for an extension and hoped The Arch Grumble Duke could use his powers to get in through the planning department before the weather turned to keep costs down . I feel it pertinent to mention at this point that the individual did own a copy of 'Bat Out Of Hell' by Meatloaf - you can draw your own conclusions from that ! '



" We also have a number of public figures who have embraced the Dark Side - TV Weatherman Michael Fish is a devotee of Crowley and uses magick to divine the weather for his forecasts , TV's Nick Owen has established an Anton La Vey style Church of Satan in Luton -we think this is more to do with him dipping his wick with a load of filthy goth slappers rather than any true belief in Lucifer - Julia Bradbury from TV's Watchdog considers herself Satans Earthly fuck-puppet and the UK's foremost Satanic temple whore - how can we take consumer advice seriously from someone who is getting rodgered off the Devil and probably several of his minions ? If they think diabolical influences will aid their careers they are well off the mark - If that was the case Bradbury wouldn't have such funny looking Pinochio nose - though I fucking definately would , have you seen her in her wellies on Countryfile ! - Also dog fighting is more likely to be added to our primetime schedules than Owen & Fish !

What action can we expect from Church Authorities ?

" The Church are too busy protecting...er dealing with their peadophile problem and the fallout of having an ex-priest dancing around like a fucking bellend on Britains Got Talent and running about on the track at Brands Hatch dressed as a fucking pixie "

He Adds " I would point out to the the Government that my remit also includes Ghosts - i need more manpower and funding due to the increase in Satanic activity - the Ghosts have been under-policed of late and are very active in several areas of crime such as burglary , pickpocketing and prostitution . They are paticularly active in historical buildings such as The Houses Of Commons - We wouldn't want the ghost of Churchill to fly up Gordon Browns shit-pipe during Prime Ministers Question Time , now would we ?