THE FRENCH DISEASE

As we approach The European Parliment Elections an incendiary report regarding the HIV virus is about to be released which will send shockwaves throughout the European community . Compiled by the University of Rutland's Virus Research Institute and authored by AIDS legend - Professor Jeff Charlton - the study was funded by prominent UKIP member and slave owner Sir Sefton Uppingham-Osprey . It claims to deliver shocking new information regarding the origin of the disease , a new strain and potential threats to this country .




We spoke exclusively to Professor Charlton in his research lab situated in a prefab three miles away from the umiversity campus on the eve of the reports release .He gives an overview of his discoveries


" Previous research and common pub wisdom supports the theory that the initial transfer of the virus frm ape to man ocurred through the consumption of bushmeat in Africa , through the study of HIV carriers and forensic research we have isolated the genus and can state with a large degree of minimal uncertainty that the initial transfer ocurred in France in the late sixties-early seventies . We have also isolated the DNA of the individuals involved in the initial transfer and can reveal that they are boozy French singer Serge Gainsborg and a Macaque "

Through interviews with Mr Gainsborg's former housekeeper we have pieced together evidence and an explaination of how this unlikely incident occured . It seems that around 1969 , Mr Gainsborg won a Macaque monkey in a big nose competion and took it to live with him in his Paris apartment - he initially kept it with some affection as a pet , but soon tired of cleaning up its shit and of its constant masturbation which proved offputting to his many female guests . His relationship with the monkey deterioated and Mr Gainsborg , furious at not getting his end away due to the monkeys distasteful wanking , took to dressing the monkey up as General De Gaulle , verbally abusing , spitting at it and beating it with a knotted rope . By this point the relationship had turned sour and the monkey began to show aggression towards Serge - eventually it escaped from the shoebox he kept it in and went feral within the apartment . This developed into a battle of wills between Serge and the monkey including daily and sustained mutual physical attacks , the monkey would violently attack Serge if he attempted to leave the apartment - for two years the battle continued with both parties locked in combat to the death . By this point the apartment was in some state of disrepair , the monkey had dragged Serge down to its level , they fought over food and the whole place was full of human and primate shit and jizz . Eventually Serge enticed the monkey by putting his cock in a banana skin and hiding behind a curtain , when the monkey was in range Serge grabbed it and throttled it with a shoelace - then disturbingly and probably due to Serges dehumanisation he indulged in what can only be described as a dead monkey hate-fuck , here we have the transfer of virus from animal to human"

"Obviously him being French and not having had the pleasure of a woman for two years , the first thing Serge did was get out there and get into some serious sport-fucking ! In an eight week period it is estimated he bedded over a thousand women, and was noshed off by at least another three hundred - including several high profile showbiz figures , here we have the first human to human transfer and the creation of the genus as we know it . Although we can have sympathy for his situation and Serge is still a popular worldwide cultural figure - Im Afraid history will now see him as a dirty French bastard that bummed a dead monkey"

"The virus seems to have mutated to a slightly differant strain within France possibly due to the fact that despite not outwardly obvious , though suspected by many for years , the French are fucking differant to us ! When the virus enters the French physiology it seems that their immune system fails to react with agression , it does not protect its borders or endeavour to repel the hostile invader , of course there are a few areas of isolated resistance - but has a whole the immune system seems to welcome the virus - you could say collaborates with it - we are calling this Maurice Chevalier syndrome . What seems to help is a blood tranfusion from a an English donor , on entry into the French immune system the introduced anti-bodies go about the business of containing the virus and boosting the cowardly French immune system - we are calling this the D-Day effect"

"The spread of the disease within France is also rapid due to the country having a higher than average proportion of brown hatters , prossies and 'artistic types' - all rutting away like animals with scant attention to who or what their sexual partner is , typically every holes a goal and at present condoms have not been invented in France . Also general hygene plays a part , we all know that the French are dirty bastards that stink of garlic and shit , they eat things that we kill in our gardens - I visited a public convenience in France as part of my research and it was like visiting the Somme , there was piss , four inches deep on the floor and the pot had more skidmarks on it than the landing deck of the Ark Royal . I took swabs and on processing discovered the whole place was crawling with AIDS , even the Dyson Airblade - you can draw your own conclusion from that ! Normally AIDS can not be caught from toilet seats but I would advise all British nationals - but not the Welsh - not to make any arse/bogseat contact if visiting France - I observed cleaning and maintenace take place while insitu - it was basically an aged Frenchman walking round the cubicles , spitting in his beret and giving the bogseat a quick wipe ! I'd rather shit my bags than lay cable in those bogs"

" I am presenting my findings to a Government thinktank and moving on to my next UKIP sponsored project -which is blaming the Muslims for swine flu - it is the Governments decision on what action is taken - My main concern is that with the borders being so open with France via the tunnel that we are leaving ourselves open to French AIDS , do we really want hundreds of Frenchman peddling through the tunnel on their antiquated bicycles , berets and Breton tops with a bunches of fresh AIDS round their necks instead of onions ?"

For generations the French have had a massive influence on the culture of this country , and we have gladly welcomed gifts such as Allo Allo , Poirot , Deja Vu , Lindsay De Paul , Tintin , Michelangelo , Danny LaRue , lingerie and pasta -into our lives , but will we be unwittingly welcoming their greatest gift of all , French AIDS , into our homes and arses ?