SATANISM ON THE RISE , GOD HAS FORSAKEN US , THE CHURCH IS FUCKED !

A substantial increase in Satanic activity , including sacrifice has been noted as the United Kingdom lies limp - like a spent cock in the leather studded guantlet of the cruel dominatrix of the global credit crisis . We spoke exclusively to Sergeant Reverand Jeff Charlton , an ordained priest and unecessarily brutal hardman copper , from the Metropolitan Police's Devils and Ghost Squad . His specialist squad, which includes a tame ghost , a mystical Pikey , Derek Ancorah and some Liquorice Imps - are tasked with the investigation and containment of diabolical activity and paranormal mischief , including the incarceration of protagonists in a specially built unit - a bit like on Ghostbusters but probably in hell or something .


Sgt Rev Charlton explains " During the last six months as financial pressures have mounted on the average family we have seen people turning to alternative methods to improve their situations . I would liken it to behaviors exhibited in society in less enlightened times , such as a sacrifices being made to ensure that a harvest was successful and associated pagan rites . People have cottoned on to the fact that theres absolutely no fucking point praying to God as he forsook the human race round about the time Alcopops and ringtones were invented and people started saying 'Cunt' on the telly "



He continues " Over the last week alone we have had a Wicker Man style burning of a perfectly friendly tramp in Swindon , which we believe was done to aid in the sourcing of an away strip for a local under 10's football team , A man sacrificed a goat on the bonnet of his Vauxhall Astra to ensure its smooth passage through its MOT - despite his offering it still failed on emisssions - We also had reports of a multi-individual La Veyan style 'sex magic' ritual taking place in an Aldi carpark in Aberdeen as the store had run out of bread - this was initially thought to be a dogging incident , however the bulk of the protagonists appear to have been wearing Aldi staff uniform and it took place in broad daylight - the porridge wogs have a history diabolical involvement as illustrated in the movie Wicker Man - the dirty cunts "



" We have also seen an increase of individuals atempting to summon ancient Demonic beings such as Danone , Treseme and Pasquale - they seem to be trying to harness diabolical powers for their own ends . I personally dealt with an individual who was attempting to raise Satan on his patio - he had made a DIY alter out of a milk crate and a disposable barbacue and had thrown his daughters pet hamster on as an offering - his neighbours came round with a bottle of wine and a potato salad as they smelled barbaque and discovered him cock-handed , atempting to add his man-essence to the ritual for good measure and called the Police - he tried to evade arrest but tangled the Asda halloween cloak he was wearing on a trellis while vaulting a privet - we discovered on questioning that he had applied for planning permission for an extension and hoped The Arch Grumble Duke could use his powers to get in through the planning department before the weather turned to keep costs down . I feel it pertinent to mention at this point that the individual did own a copy of 'Bat Out Of Hell' by Meatloaf - you can draw your own conclusions from that ! '



" We also have a number of public figures who have embraced the Dark Side - TV Weatherman Michael Fish is a devotee of Crowley and uses magick to divine the weather for his forecasts , TV's Nick Owen has established an Anton La Vey style Church of Satan in Luton -we think this is more to do with him dipping his wick with a load of filthy goth slappers rather than any true belief in Lucifer - Julia Bradbury from TV's Watchdog considers herself Satans Earthly fuck-puppet and the UK's foremost Satanic temple whore - how can we take consumer advice seriously from someone who is getting rodgered off the Devil and probably several of his minions ? If they think diabolical influences will aid their careers they are well off the mark - If that was the case Bradbury wouldn't have such funny looking Pinochio nose - though I fucking definately would , have you seen her in her wellies on Countryfile ! - Also dog fighting is more likely to be added to our primetime schedules than Owen & Fish !

What action can we expect from Church Authorities ?

" The Church are too busy protecting...er dealing with their peadophile problem and the fallout of having an ex-priest dancing around like a fucking bellend on Britains Got Talent and running about on the track at Brands Hatch dressed as a fucking pixie "

He Adds " I would point out to the the Government that my remit also includes Ghosts - i need more manpower and funding due to the increase in Satanic activity - the Ghosts have been under-policed of late and are very active in several areas of crime such as burglary , pickpocketing and prostitution . They are paticularly active in historical buildings such as The Houses Of Commons - We wouldn't want the ghost of Churchill to fly up Gordon Browns shit-pipe during Prime Ministers Question Time , now would we ?

Parts

Took the car to my local independant Fast Fit centre today , a rather grubby gentleman asked if I wanted him to inspect my back pipe - as I have had concerns regarding the soundness of the exhaust system I said yes - before I knew it I was bent over the inspection pit and his 'C' was indisputedly right up my 'A' and his colleague , the tyre fitter , was subjecting me to rough oral . I hope they fitted genuine parts !

DIY

I visited my local Independent DIY supplier today , the proprietor approached me and asked If I "fancied a bit of rough" as I had originally visited the store for sandpaper I answered Yes . Before I knew it I was bent over the key cutting machine with his 'C' right up my 'A' and the counter assistant was enjoying a party in my mouth ! And people say 'Support local tradesmen' - that would never happen in B&Q !

Public Inconvenience

Was aproached by a couple of rum sorts in a public convenience today , they asked me if I was a 'Bertie' and as Albert is my middle name I answered yes . Before I knew it I was bent over the hand dryer , one Gent shoved his 'C' right up my 'A' and his companion was making the best of my mouth as I tried to mumble 'Is this a bullyramming?' And people say 'Whats in a Name!

THE FRENCH DISEASE

As we approach The European Parliment Elections an incendiary report regarding the HIV virus is about to be released which will send shockwaves throughout the European community . Compiled by the University of Rutland's Virus Research Institute and authored by AIDS legend - Professor Jeff Charlton - the study was funded by prominent UKIP member and slave owner Sir Sefton Uppingham-Osprey . It claims to deliver shocking new information regarding the origin of the disease , a new strain and potential threats to this country .




We spoke exclusively to Professor Charlton in his research lab situated in a prefab three miles away from the umiversity campus on the eve of the reports release .He gives an overview of his discoveries


" Previous research and common pub wisdom supports the theory that the initial transfer of the virus frm ape to man ocurred through the consumption of bushmeat in Africa , through the study of HIV carriers and forensic research we have isolated the genus and can state with a large degree of minimal uncertainty that the initial transfer ocurred in France in the late sixties-early seventies . We have also isolated the DNA of the individuals involved in the initial transfer and can reveal that they are boozy French singer Serge Gainsborg and a Macaque "

Through interviews with Mr Gainsborg's former housekeeper we have pieced together evidence and an explaination of how this unlikely incident occured . It seems that around 1969 , Mr Gainsborg won a Macaque monkey in a big nose competion and took it to live with him in his Paris apartment - he initially kept it with some affection as a pet , but soon tired of cleaning up its shit and of its constant masturbation which proved offputting to his many female guests . His relationship with the monkey deterioated and Mr Gainsborg , furious at not getting his end away due to the monkeys distasteful wanking , took to dressing the monkey up as General De Gaulle , verbally abusing , spitting at it and beating it with a knotted rope . By this point the relationship had turned sour and the monkey began to show aggression towards Serge - eventually it escaped from the shoebox he kept it in and went feral within the apartment . This developed into a battle of wills between Serge and the monkey including daily and sustained mutual physical attacks , the monkey would violently attack Serge if he attempted to leave the apartment - for two years the battle continued with both parties locked in combat to the death . By this point the apartment was in some state of disrepair , the monkey had dragged Serge down to its level , they fought over food and the whole place was full of human and primate shit and jizz . Eventually Serge enticed the monkey by putting his cock in a banana skin and hiding behind a curtain , when the monkey was in range Serge grabbed it and throttled it with a shoelace - then disturbingly and probably due to Serges dehumanisation he indulged in what can only be described as a dead monkey hate-fuck , here we have the transfer of virus from animal to human"

"Obviously him being French and not having had the pleasure of a woman for two years , the first thing Serge did was get out there and get into some serious sport-fucking ! In an eight week period it is estimated he bedded over a thousand women, and was noshed off by at least another three hundred - including several high profile showbiz figures , here we have the first human to human transfer and the creation of the genus as we know it . Although we can have sympathy for his situation and Serge is still a popular worldwide cultural figure - Im Afraid history will now see him as a dirty French bastard that bummed a dead monkey"

"The virus seems to have mutated to a slightly differant strain within France possibly due to the fact that despite not outwardly obvious , though suspected by many for years , the French are fucking differant to us ! When the virus enters the French physiology it seems that their immune system fails to react with agression , it does not protect its borders or endeavour to repel the hostile invader , of course there are a few areas of isolated resistance - but has a whole the immune system seems to welcome the virus - you could say collaborates with it - we are calling this Maurice Chevalier syndrome . What seems to help is a blood tranfusion from a an English donor , on entry into the French immune system the introduced anti-bodies go about the business of containing the virus and boosting the cowardly French immune system - we are calling this the D-Day effect"

"The spread of the disease within France is also rapid due to the country having a higher than average proportion of brown hatters , prossies and 'artistic types' - all rutting away like animals with scant attention to who or what their sexual partner is , typically every holes a goal and at present condoms have not been invented in France . Also general hygene plays a part , we all know that the French are dirty bastards that stink of garlic and shit , they eat things that we kill in our gardens - I visited a public convenience in France as part of my research and it was like visiting the Somme , there was piss , four inches deep on the floor and the pot had more skidmarks on it than the landing deck of the Ark Royal . I took swabs and on processing discovered the whole place was crawling with AIDS , even the Dyson Airblade - you can draw your own conclusion from that ! Normally AIDS can not be caught from toilet seats but I would advise all British nationals - but not the Welsh - not to make any arse/bogseat contact if visiting France - I observed cleaning and maintenace take place while insitu - it was basically an aged Frenchman walking round the cubicles , spitting in his beret and giving the bogseat a quick wipe ! I'd rather shit my bags than lay cable in those bogs"

" I am presenting my findings to a Government thinktank and moving on to my next UKIP sponsored project -which is blaming the Muslims for swine flu - it is the Governments decision on what action is taken - My main concern is that with the borders being so open with France via the tunnel that we are leaving ourselves open to French AIDS , do we really want hundreds of Frenchman peddling through the tunnel on their antiquated bicycles , berets and Breton tops with a bunches of fresh AIDS round their necks instead of onions ?"

For generations the French have had a massive influence on the culture of this country , and we have gladly welcomed gifts such as Allo Allo , Poirot , Deja Vu , Lindsay De Paul , Tintin , Michelangelo , Danny LaRue , lingerie and pasta -into our lives , but will we be unwittingly welcoming their greatest gift of all , French AIDS , into our homes and arses ?

Alan Latchley - Football Manager , Motivational Guru , Rapper ( Article Originally published The Scunthorpe Bugle )

Scunthorpe UTD Director of football , Alan Latchley has made the unusual move of releasing a Hip-Hop single , Called "Dare to Phail" after Alans ever popular motivational seminars it features rhymes drawing on his experience as a lower leagues manager and has been hailed by music critics for blunt and honest depiction of grassroots football and its macho culture . I spoke to Alan who was on his way to an appointment to discuss remixes with Pharrel from NERD , I asked him why Hip - Hop ?

" Well ever since I saw John Barnes' terrific rap on world in motion Ive seen Hip-Hop as the most suited musical medium for football - the rhythim and foul language that I employ in my team talks and the element of performance lends itself to the medium . The trails , tribulations and predjudices faced by Football Managers are much the same as those experienced at street level by my homies in the projects and ghetto's of the inner cities in the US . One example is the institutional persecution of Afro-Americans at the hands of law enforcement agencies - this is exactly the same as what we experience at the hands of the Football Association , the referees are the FA's street cops and there brief is to take a Muthafucker down regardless of guilt or innocence ! As with any ghetto-ised group we Managers have problems with substance abuse - in the ghetto it may be cheap crack , in the managers office it is fine wines , cigars and prawn sandwiches . I have had my problems in the past but I am working them out through my music I have a track in the can called " Tupacs O' Hamlet and a Neuf Du Pap " which is a joint I worked on with DJ Muggs from Cypress Hill "

And what of your Hip Hop influences ?

" I dont get into the East Coat/West Coast thing though the rivalry is similar to when we play Grimsby -I like UK HipHop - particularly Grime like Dizzy and Roots Manuva -Im more into an organic sound and can see myself moving away from samples and working with a live band - Smokie have been in contact about reworking "Alice" but making it "Alex" as in Sir Alex Ferguson -Im sure Its a goer "

Will this see you move away from football ?

"Football is my Wife . I go home to Football every night eat with her , argue over watching the soaps with her and ignore her sexual advances - Hip Hop is my Ho - I can do things with my Ho that I cant with my wife - like anal , You Feel Me ! I... I drive to the darkside in my five-o , make a fuck on her booty then pop a cap in her ass - but not an international cap, Oh No.... "

Here we leave Alan Latchley a man passionate about his wife and his Ho - Below is an exclusive lyricalpreview from Alans first single ....

DARE TO PHAIL

My Name's Al Rock and I get respect

The pressing game is what I expect

We tried longball pre-season at Shoreditch

And we got overun in the middle of the pitch

The back four played far to high

And the midfield ended up watching the ball in the sky

I like a couple of big lads running channels up front

Ive got a striker on loan who's a useless cunt

Bigtime Charlie , always snorting the dust

Did his medial ligaments before we got off the bus

He's the only out and out striker I have in my stable

And now he's getting a massage on the treatment table

When the chairmen sees me coming he's gonna shit his kecks

Im gonna burn up his cash like a tube of Ralgex

I rang Tony Mowbray bout signing Chris Brunt

He says he wants 2 million for the skinny cunt

I said thats too much and tried not to flip

But he thinks he'll get goals in the Championship

I offered 1.5 in instalments as a bit of lark

Now Ive brought Dean Windass to Glanford Park

He wants to play upfront and not in the hole

So I offered him a bung and a coaching role

In his first game he was clean through

But he has a turning circle like the QE2

He got a shot away and fell over like a bitch

It hit a handicapped fan at the side of the pitch

Knocked her out of her wheelchair , caused a fit and laceration

Now the brother is subject to litigation

Took him straight off , muthafucker was mad at me

Replaced him with a Belgian on a Bosman free

We got caught on the break and conceded a soft goal

Centreback ballwatching like a fucking asshole

At the full time whistle got the bum's rush

He said their striker gave him push

I said fuck you Mutha , I dont care

Muthafuckers gonna get mugged , he dont get his body there

Two weeks later he's on the transfer list

Mutual frottage with a trainee , one off the wrist

After training , soaped up in the communal bath

Now again Ive reduced my senior playing staff

Homie physio warned me " he's a brown hatter , Latch "

Used to listen to Bette Midler after every match

Im all about equality for the homosexual

But the bummers aint good for team morale....

WHOAH WHOAH , DARE TO PHAIL

INA PLAYOFF POSTION

WHOAH WHOAH , DARE TO PHAIL

SAFE FROM RELAGATION

WHOAH , WHOAH , DARE TO PHAIL

MIDTABLE RESPEC -TABILITY

Gordon Sting's Insect Sex Ark

Spokesmen for Geordie superstar and tantric sex practioner Sting , real name Gordon Sting , were unavailable for comment today as an account of Stings involvement with the Rainbow Trust from one of the Kayapo Indians from Deepest , Darkest Peru surfaced . This corespondant spoke exclusively via an interpreter with Big Chief Pikachu Pokeman , whose name translates as Jeff Charlton , about Stings involvement with the enviromental charity and his experiences of the daft cunt while staying with Sting and his harridan wife Trudie Styler at their home in Wallsend Tyne and Wear .

He intimates " When I first met Sting it was at a dinner party with Anita Roddick from the Body Shop as we had a trade agreement with her whereby we spent all day collecting nuts and grinding them up for one of her facial scrubbs and she gave us a few beads, a mirror and a few bottles of Aldi whiskey every month in exchange - good business for us . Anyhow she had me doing a few tricks with my lip plate , you know like putting a coin on it and flicking it in the air , resting a can of beer on it and talking in clicks like we do - Sting was fucking lapping it up he and Trudi were pissing themselves laughing - they were sat next to Prince Charles who was so pissed on organic ginger wine that he puked his ring up in his crown the dirty cunt ! - everyone was enjoying the evening "

" Sting approached me later on when I was having a tab on the balcony and started chatting . He told me although he was happy to lend his name to causes celebres for public relations reasons what he really wanted was a connection in the rainforrest to help him out with a project he was developing . It was funny even though Im from a fucking rainforrest and I talk in clicks like a dolphin I was struggling to understand the twat - he was 'Why Aye' this and 'Haddaway and shite' that - of course him being pissed didn't help - he and Trudy had turned up with a slab of Ace lager and the weren't fucking spreading the joy if you know what I mean - tight twats ! Any way he invited me to discuss it at his house in near Newcastle "

" I arrived two weeks later as I was booked to appear in an Elton John video , for which I recieved ten pairs of tracksuit bottoms as payment for the tribe elders -Le Coq Spotif they were - nice . Anyway Sting got down to business straight away - what he wanted was for my tribe to provide him with a shit load of wood because he is very interested in insects , thats where his name comes from - he had tired of the rockstar lifestyle . what he was planning to do was build an insect ark on the river Tyne and he a Trudy would sail around the world and collect two of each species of insect in every country they visited ! He said he knew that there were issues with deforrestation but he had seen a David Attenborough the other day and it looked like there was fucking loads of wood knocking about . He said in repayment I could appear on a chatshow with him and he would give me a TV and a video so that I could show the tribe elders that I was the dogs bollocks when I got back to the jungle , I agreed as I thought at least he will be preserving species of insect in his insect ark...how wrong was I "

" Later Sting showed me to his coal house in his garden where I was to sleep that night - I settled down but I could not sleep that night as I had the skitters and kept having to have a shite in the rockery and wash my arse in Stings water feature - so I was back and forward all night . In the small hours I heard Sting and Trudy arguing - It turns out despite his reputation for tantric shennanigans - he usually shoots his mess as soon as Trudy gets her knickers down and thats some job as she looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp most of the time - no pun intended . The only situation which would prevent Stings little problem is if he is distracted by the presence of exotic insects - I would of told him to try football results as it works for me . It seems the real reason for Stings Insect Ark was for him to cruise around with Trudy and give her a right good seeing to with a load of fucking bees and ants all over the place , under the pretence of saving endangered spiecies - Trudy was understandably enthusiastic about this and had tried to introduce insects to there love life - she had stuck a Praying Mantis up her arse a couple of times and put a spider on Stings japseye but apparently the volume of insects present was the key "

" Anyhow I fucked off home in me canoe early doors next day as I didn't want to face them and as I wanted my video and telly when I got home we cut down a shit loads of trees and shipped them for him as agreed - I think he got Jimmy Nail and the rest of the cast of Auf Wiedersehen Pet to build it to keeo costs down - I appeared on Russell Harty with him and got my video no bother and didn't think about it again - I only contacted Sting again because the remote on the telly he gave me packed up and I wanted to know if he had taken out aftercare on it - last week I paddled over to his villa in Tuscany and gave him a knock - he fucking blanked me - he said he didn't do any jungle shit anymore and was all about the Africans now ! Thats why I've come forward now to show what a fucking tit he is !

But what of Stings Insect Ark ? " Oh he built it all right ! but he never used it - about that time a load of insect films came out like Eight Legged Freaks , Arachnaphobia and Ants etc and he found if he watched those while on the nest - it helped him keep the Wolf from the door , so to speak ! He still has it moored on the Tyne and its used as a floating nightclub for all the pissed up Geordie's and cunts from elsewhere on stag and hen do's to use , I bet he's fucking raking it in !

And here ends the strange tale of Stings Insect Ark

CELEBRITY REAL LIFE DONKEY KONG

The following was forwarded to your corespondant by a member of the public on discovery in a shithouse cubicle of some wanky media bar in London Town next to a pile of non-specific white powder and a Blackberry (check out my Ebay if you are interested in this item , VGC and completly reset ! £120 or best offer!) This appears to be a Synopsis for a new reality TV show . On questioning the staff in the Bar it was dicovered that the commisioning Editor of Channel 5 was seen stumbling into the toilet in a tired and emotional state minutes before the mugging ...er discovery.

CELEBRITY REAL LIFE DONKEY KONG - A SYNOPSIS

SYNOPSIS - Involves two teams - Team A four celebrities who attempt to scale Blackpool Tower and Team B stationed at the top of the tower attempt to repell Team A by throwing barrells down the Tower .

THE TEAMS - Team A - A team of four plucky celebs - Suggestions - Dean Gaffney , Will Mellor , Kathy Staff , Ulrika , Jo Brand , Mylene Klass , some Blue Peter twat , some cunt off The Bill/Grange Hill , a Welshman and well thought of comedien with a low-ish TV profile .

Team B - A team of four dangerously insane mental patients dressed up in
Monkey suits.

PRESENTERS - The usual male female paring ie Johnny Vaughan & Goldie Hawn , Barry Sheene & Sarah Greene , James May & Darren Day , Gaby Logan & Terry Wogan , Barry Took & Kelly Brooke , Simon Cowell & Jenny Powell , Max Wall & Davina McCall , Ant & Dec and Paul Weller & Sarah Michelle Geller . NB - at present I believe Ant & Dec have signed up for Celebrity Animal Abuse which involves Ainsley Harriot bumming a Donkey .

BUILD UP - In the run up to the event we show the trials and tribulations of the celebrity team , obviously including some fat cunt who will struggle physically with the challenge , some precious prima donna who moans constantly about snapping nails etc and some arrogant shite who winds everyone up and someone you previosly thought was a twat revealing themselves as a top bloke and good egg . TV gold!

As regards Team B we show mini biogs during the build up including a brief overview of their crimes , interviews with any surviving victims , overview from their supervising physicians including details of all medictions and possibly footage of them rolling around in thier own shit and wanking .

THE REVEAL - Just before the climb starts we reveal to the audience -
A - Team B's medication was withdrawn one week pre-event.
B - Team A have been spiked with a weeks worth of aforementioned medication.
C- The Barrels that Team B will throw contain Team A's shit which has been
collected during the training .

POSSIBLE OUTCOMES - I can see a number of satisfying outcomes for this show including
MURDER
SUICIDE - primarily within Team B
DEATH BY FALLING - A variety show staple , see Noels House Party
ARSERAPE
CELEBTITIES covered in SHIT

SEVERE NEGATIVE REACTION - to non-prescribed medication and the withdrawl of medication from Team B

HEALTH AND SAFETY / ETHICAL CONCERNS - All celebrities will receive full climbing training and we will include regular updates from a mental health professional a la Big Brother to offset concerns about the exploitation of Mental Patients . All proceeds from the show will go to a charity for people born inside out .

THE DEMOGRAPHIC - The public display an un-sated hunger for any shite which involves a celebrity of any level on telly doing any pointless task , it will also appeal to mongs who sit on thier arse all day playing computer games due to the formats seed idea coming from Donkey Kong . Also everyone loves Monkeys and mentals , I believe Peter Jackson recently made a ( Really shit ) new version of King Kong about five years ago so the Monkey up tower thing is a familiar concept in the media .

THE CHANNEL - Channel Five all the way though the format may fit in with some Satalite/Digital channels ie Challenge - Re-runs on Dave a definate possibility .

BUDGET - £4 million quids , mostly spent on whores and cocaine for the senior production team we could always use this to make some original worthy programming....Nah!

A MAN HAS SHIT HIS PANTS

Shocking reports are filtering through that a man has shit his pants in a public place . The incident took place on a busy city centre street in Swindon where families ( including children ) were going about their business on a normal weekday only for an un-named male approximatly 42 years of age with collar length grey hair - wearing a blue 'Hoodie' style top , blue jeans with shit caked on his arse and running down his legs and a pair of 'bought off the market' white trainers . Amazingly a plucky eye witness caught the culprit on film as Shitpants fled the scene .

Detective Inspector Randy Rimmer from Wiltshire Constabulary stated " At present we are looking to speak to this individual as a matter of urgency - at this juncture we do not know if this was a malicious act of public disorder , a simple following through , if the culprit had a stomach upset or if the individual derives sexual pleasure fom the act . It is possible - though unlikely that he simply slipped in some dogshit , though initial forensic analysis , the location and pattern of the staining does not support that theory . We would like to speak to the individual to clarify the situation only - no criminal charges are pending on this matter - though the dirty fucker wants to have a serious word with himself "

He added " It could always be a matter that the shitter is a pissed up addled fuckwit and dirty cunt who walks around fouling his underwear regularly - his appearance and the casual way he walked away suggest this could be the case , we are very concerned for the welfare of this hopeless twat . Obviously we have a photograph of the individual and several eye witnesses - we can confirm that he walks with an unusual and very brisk gait - through a search of the area a pair of size 34 waist Gino Nouvelli denim jeans covered in shite were recovered from a skip outside of Primark , it is unconfirmed at present if this discovery is connected or if they are a discarded shop soiled stock item - although in the case of Primark I understand their policy in the event of this kind of shop soiling would be to spray the item with Lynx , knock a couple of quid off and put them back on display . The location of the underwear is unknown it could be that they could be discarded elsewhere or maybe kept for sentimental reasons - we would ask that any members of the public discovering any discarded shitty mens pants to please hand them in at your local constabulary "

He continues " We would also like to make it clear that despite the obvious resemblence noted by many from the photo - the culprit is NOT James May from TV's Top Gear . We contacted the BBC imeadiately and were told that Mr May was on location with Top Gear probably trying to make a boat out of a fucking caravan or something equally cuntish with his two arsehole mates "

" Someone will know who this individual is , it is possible - though highy fucking unlikely judging by the clip of the fucker - that this individual has a normal home life - we would ask wives , girlfriends and bumchums - has your partner returned home stinking of shit or without his trousers or wearing new trousers with a crap excuse like his other pair split ? - please contact us in confidence so we can resolve this issue " The investigation continues .

Have you shat yourself in public , maybe an elderly relative of yours has please forward your hillarious stories £10 for any that reach print !