GOK WAN - HETRO , SCRUFF , LYING CUNT !

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Premier League Annouce Unprecedented Rule Change

Today a Premier league spokesman announced unprecedented rule changes planned for implementaion as soon as the 2009-2010 season which will shake the world of football to its very core . The Premier League executive has responded to concerns that the lack of competion and the unchalenged stranglehold of the Big Four - Manchester Utd , Chelsea , Arsenal and Liverpool - have on European qualification places which is damaging the credibility and commerciality of the League - the changes are designed to break this stranglehold and encourage a greater competive edge in future seasons .

Kenny Disprin from the Premier League Executive made this statement from the steps of Lancaster Gate

" Due to well documented concerns from football professionals and fans it has been decided that the way points are earned - more specifically in the event of a draw - will be changed from the start of the 2009 - 2010 season . In a nutshell in the event of a draw instead of both teams being awarded one point each - an additional point will be awarded to the team manager who has the biggest cock . It is predicted that this will open up the League and break the dominance of the clubs with greater financial wherewithall . Although radical , we feel in the context of the sport that this is the way forward for the League . At present there are no plans to roll this out in cup competitions "

We spoke exclusively to Brian Calpol from the League Managers Association to get his reaction to the announcement

" Our membership is very concerned about these changes - as regards the Big Four - Sir Alex is hung like an Argos pen - and is furious about this , Arsene Wenger is like a fucking Tripod - so he gains , Rafa Benitez has raised questions about girth , Guus Hiddink , despite being Dutch , claims he would struggle to get a stott-on with an audience "

"Outside of the Big Four , from my knowledge of our members -David Moyes seldom gets his cock out as he is ashamed of his ginger bollocks - Harry Redknapp hasn't had wood since he left West Ham - Ricky Sbragia at Sunderland has massive balls but a tiny cock - Big Sam at Blackburn has a nickname that belies his physical capability - Phil Parkinson at Hull has a cock like a babys arm holding an apple - Martin O'Neills is like a frozen prawn that fell asleep on a walnut . Also Tony Pulis at Stoke is erm ... easily excitable - he usually shoots his muck when Stoke are awarded a throw in - And Roy Hodgson at Fulham is at present considering gender reasignment as he already looks like a middle aged woman - So its mixed fortunes for the upper and lower midtable teams - and there a number of implications which may effect the roll-out of this system "

" Outside of that we a seeking clarifaction around how the measurements will be taken - we understand these will be done by the forth official imeadiately after the full time whistle but we have no information on the amount of stimulation allowed , if any visual stimuli will be available and the role of the Assistant Manager in the process - I dont think the image of Iain Dowie 'fluffing up' Alan Shearer on a cold January night at St James' is an image that any Newcastle fan would relish nor is it presenting a positve image of the game in general '

" This also could have massive impact on management recruiment - Clubs like Chelsea or Newcastle who have a manager on a short term contract may well be influenced on appointment due to this - ie Chelsea - who as we know are well financed with a sophisticated coaching structure could appoint some big cocked no-mark foreign coach on the basis of his shaft length rather than his coaching credentials . Newcastle have moved Joe Kinnear - who has eight inches on the slack - to a hands-off role and appointed Alan Shearer - who is hung like a baby carrot in charge of team affairs till the end of the season in a relegatuon dogfight !These new rules could mean the differance between staying up or not "

" This could also see players who normally would not enter management do so and visa versa - for instance Gary Neville at Man Utd in the autumn of his career who is not much to look at and generally a total cunt but is one of the biggest in the league who's stock will have risen . But Gareth Southgate at Boro - nice bloke but who is all helmet and girth but short of length would probably have been better joining the media instead of trying to pollish a turd in that god forsaken heathen backwater !

" We embrace change and work to meet all new iniatives and we will be looking to set up a forum as this brings into question the overbearing masculine culture within the sport , and will be speaking to the homosexual community within the game , however at present Mark Lawrenson and Graham La Saux are unavailable for comment "

Due to the massive impact that the announcement will have we wonder how great of the past would have reacted to this radical rule change - Oh to have the opinion of Brian Clough - Old Big Head himself .

Counterfeit Goods On Sale In Tesco

Quality control managers at Britain best loved supermarket were in shock today as it emerged that a batch of counterfeit Hobnobs had entered the companies supply chain and been sold in several outlets .

The mixup appears to have occured in a Tesco depot when a shipment of counterfeit oaty biscuits due to be shipped to Africa were confused at point of dispatch - due to an error on the manifold - with a shipment of child slaves due to be sent to a UK superstore to clean the flooring with toothbrushes during extensive refurbishments .

Tesco , who have extensive interests in counterfeit goods and human trafficking in Africa and Asia apologised for the error and have issued a product recall for all batches with the serial number ' ILUV BI9 BOO85 ' any customers who have purchased these items will reiceive full refund/exchange .

The problem was identified by a customer Major Sefton Lickety-Split from Coatham Mundeville who noted the counterfeit Hobnob disolved 37% quicker when dunked in tea than usual - which was repoted via Tesco complaints line.

A spokesmen for Tesco apologised for the error and assured all customers that this was not typical of the business . This is the second embarrasment for Tesco this month as a senior member of Tesco's financial management team was caught bumming a monkey with a Tesco carrier bag over his head - the dirty cunt .

TV'S JACKO IN BOG-CLEANER BUST UP

Friends , family and fellow professionals were gravely concerned today after reports regarding former face of Flash and Brush Strokes actor - Karl Howman . Howman was involved in what appears to be a drunken bust-up with Barry Scott - genius inventor of penny polishing cleaning miracle Cillit Bang . The incident occured at the prestigious Cleaning Product Advert Awards held at a top London hotel last night . The ceremony was attended by the cream of the industry including Kim & Aggie , Mr Sheen , the new look Mr Muscle , Duck ( formally Toilet Duck) , those two fat trannies off the Bounty adverts and the Charmin Bear .

An insider states 'The event was invite only and a no admitance policy was in place at the door , it appears that Karl turned up with the old skinny version of Mr Muscle - who we know has been replaced by a muscular computer generated bender and Toilet Duck - who has also been replaced by a graphic called just Duck - as god forbid that the public relate a cleaning product with anything to do with shit or arses '

He continues ' All three turned up pissed as fuck and obviously bitter about not being invited and were turned away by the door staff when it started to turn nasty . Danny Baker ( who was there to receive a lifetime acheivement award for Daz Doorstep challenge ) got elbowed in the face - the tubby , four-eyed , frizzy haired fuckwit went down like a sack of shite - Toilet Duck spat in Mr Sheen's moustache - luckily he had just parked his spitfire round the back or there may have been bloodshed. ! The security staff got it under control and Karl and the other two were leaving when things got worse

' Barry Scott pulls up in his Aston and starts down the red carpet , Barry is top of his game at the minute - a real industry darling and he has the trappings and fame that go with it ! He turned up with one of those real women , certainly not actresses , off the Sensodine adverts and he was lauding it up on the red carpet - quipping to the photographers that his companion may need to clean her teeth after he'd finished with her - but that he would be providing the man-paste ! Flashbulbs were firing and the press guys were lapping it up'

'It obviously was too much for Karl to bare as only three years ago this was him - he was top of the pile as the malingering husband in the Flash campaign - it was rumoured that he'd gone twoseys up with Kim & Aggie and shown Nannette Newman - from the Fairy ads just how long HE cound last - on the the same debauched night !

Barry saw Karl looking muttering to Toilet Duck and pointing and shouted -

" Ere Brush Strokes - Fuck Off - and take yer bumchums with yer , Theres nowt here for you "

Karl shouted " It wont fucking last mate I got a similar product called Bang with comparable kitchen capabilty and bathroom results from fucking Poundland "

' By this point a crowd had gathered there was a couple of Andrex puppies running about chewing on those cloth things off the Lenor adverts - The Charmin Bear dumped his fucking bait on the red carpet - that baby who wears a suit and talks like a wanky business analyst off the Triple Velvet adverts was winding Karl up - telling him to mop the bear shit up - It was chaos '

' Barry grabbed for Karl but the new Mr Muscle pulled him away someone caught Karl in the nose and he was bleeding down his shirt Barry was shouting about getting some Vanish Oxy - Action on it and the whole scene was ugly - eventually it was broken up and everyone went inside'

'Barry wasnt bothered for the rest of the evening he picked up six awards and all the women were crowding him and getting him to shout "Bang!" in that twatty way he does - Last I saw of Karl he was being dragged away by the Shake And Vac woman - cursing and swigging a bottle of Stardrops'

It seems that a former sit-com favorite may have fallen on hard times but lets wish him all the best and success with his future career and that he picks up a panto or they recommision that fucking awfull sit-com he made with Denise Van Outen - Thanks for the memories Jacko !

LORD CHARLES IS A CUNT

The decline of the variety circuit in th UK is well documented and the effects of this on some of our best loved performers is overlooked and swept under the carpet by industry bigwigs . Reports are filtering through from industry insiders about a series of disturbing incidents which took place during summer season in a North Western coastal resort known for gangs of rabid slappers wearing kiss me quick hats that stink of piss and
candyfloss .

An insider from a regional theatre has intimated a series of events which will shake this struggling industry to its core - Involving upper class puppet Lord Charles - known for his slightly addled 'worse for wear' act- it apears life is imitating art .

He claims ' This all kicked off midway through the summer season when Spit The Dog (also on the bill ) shat on Lord Charles spats - even though Spit is just a mischevious pup - Charles took this badly , being from the gentry he is not used to animals being out of control - he took revenge by putting superglue in Bob Carolgees beard while he slept causing him to miss a matinee show - from what I gather there is a bit of history between the two as during an episode of Tiswas in 1981 , Lord Charles was tring to get his leg over with Sally James in the green room - Letting her have a go of his monacle etc - Spit kept butting in and sniffing her minge much to the amusement of all present , Lenny Henry was fucking pissing himself - Lord Charles was well pissed off about this and would only appear on Swap Shop after that '

He continues ' During a season tensions are heightened as the cast are living in each others pockets and alcohol and drugs to play a part - at the end of the run the cast gathered for a drink and there was powder everywhere - In the business Charles is known as ' The Hoover' if you get me drift ! Spirits were high - but during the night Charles was trying to get his end away with Jeanette Krankie - you know asking her to dress up in her little school uniform and stuff - Ian Krankie came in and gave him a right good fist fucking - he was crawling around on the floor with his little legs dragging behind him - his monacle hanging out of his back-eye - blood dripping on his spats . I heard later that night he managed to get fingers and a nosh off Bernie Cliftons Ostrich after he got her pissed and medicined her with poppers !

Later ' It was all a bit of a blur after that and Charles went off with Cuddles the Monkey and Bobby Davro to score some pills - It seems they hooked up with Barry Chuckle and got into a roasting at the Holiday Inn - Charles likes to watch you see '

But what of his comedy partner and lifelong friend Ray Allen?

' Well , during this incident I saw Ray sitting in his dressing room rocking back and forth crying ! Charles treats him like a second class citizen as he isn't high born like the Lord - Thats the upper classes for you ! Ray had tried to sideline Lord Charles in the late eighties and modernise his act to fit in with the Alternative comedy movement - he had a new puppet called Izzy who was a fat lezza social worker with a catcphrase of 'Show me where Daddy touched you' but Lord Charles found out about it and used his influence in the establishment to hold on to Ray and the act '

We dont know what the future holds for Ray and Charles but it is obvious to all that Lord Charles is a cunt .

The Budget

Today I am visiting Barclays dressed as a city gent and shouting 'Fuck The Pound'

Careers

I was recently dismissed from my position as a shepherd for gross misconduct - I kept mountain goats .

War , War is stupid

I am taking a few moments to think of all those who lost their lives during the Holocaust - I personally lost a relative at Auschwitz - He fell out of a machinegun nest .

Crouchy

I read that Peter Crouch has taken up sailing since his move to the South Coast and is proving to be quite adept at it - as I have always said , He's good on the deck for a Big Lad !

Hawking the Slayer

I see my good friend and intelectual equal Dr Stephen Hawking has been hospitalised - He went for a date witha young lady and came back with his legs broken , ankles dislocated and several slipped discs in his back - She stood him up ! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xbHJbnzOJ0

Sexuality

I dont know about Metrosexuality nor do I consider I fit into any normal 'Labels' however I do believe getting bummed off a couple of binmen saved my marriage and reinvigorated Mrs Latchleys libido - It was straight on straight action none of yer homo this or that - Saying that if I caught my centre half and left back indulging in a quick frot in the showers after a midweek cup game ... Transfer listed...That is the ball of contradictions that is Alan Latchley