FIRST WOOLIES NOW JACKSON , FUCK !

As the World comes to terms with the demise of one of this centuries biggest icons our thoughts turn to his impact on our lives - sadness creeps over us like a troupe of child dancers sadly leaving the stage after performing an arse clenchingly awful , overblown , faux-environmental cuntfest and we bear our shitty arses in contempt , like a mildly peturbed lanky Britpop singer or something .







Michael Jackson was discovered dead today in his Los Angeles home , he had suffered a massive heart attack and was discovered cock handed , his leather britches around his ankles , Disk Three of the Home Alone boxset still playing on his DVD player . A sad demise for a once peerless performer .







We spoke to sinister homosexual and former Jacko protege Stedman from Britsoul superstars Five Star who could only blurt out between the tears '...It should have been Tito...' while combing his hair.







Jackson whose physical and mental decline was obvious to viewers of reality TV show Bo Selecta in the early nineties , which also featured complicated facial hair advocate and Two-step superstar Craig David . David commented ' We had a lot in common in those days due to our musical genius and the fact that both our christian and surnames could be used as both christian and surnames names , though admittedlty more so in my case however Jackson is a popular christian name in some communities . Michaels outlandish appearance and erratic behaviour was a concern to all on that show and he was almost like a warped caricature of himself with his swearing and use of jive talk '



'I remember walking into his dressing room once when Ronnie Corbett was making a guest appearance on Banzai that was being filmed in the next studio at Channel Four - Michael had enticed golf mad Ronnie his dressing room by saying he knew Tiger Woods and forced him to drink some 'Jesus Juice' which was actually a bottle Tyxilix-esque dossers favourite 2020 , Ronnie was very drunk and Michael had put one of his favourite blankets over Ronnies head and was about to take him for a dicky back ride around the dressing room , I got Ronnie out and explained to Jacko that he was a grown man and not a boy ! All he could say was that he loved that little boys Scottish accent and it reminded him of his mate , the drummer out of the Bay City Rollers who also had a reputation as an unwise choice of babysitter'

Michael Jackson is dead yet let us not focus on the facts that he was a full on nonce and totally fucked in the head and remember his musical legacy , his influence can be heard in act as diverse as Can , Tom Waits and Extreme Noise Terror . The King of Pop Is Dead .

TRANSFORMERS 2 EXCLUSIVE

Here Is an exclusive preview of one of the new Transformers from the blockbuster summer hit Transformers 2 . Pictured above is Plughole who is an evil Decepticon disguised a bathtub with flexible shower attachment , will the Autobots be able to deal with his ability to soak some cunt , and his shower curtain that renders him invisible - who cares it shite

Mallets Dickensian Handicap Knocking Shop

Fuckwitted eighties childrens entertainer Timmy Mallet has gone into hiding on advice of his Lawyer as yesterday it was revealed thet he is the owner-operator of a bizarre house of ill repute and has been for several years . 'Anything goes' pervert Mallet , 63 , pictured left attempting to entice a roasting out of Ant and Dec by showing them his man-mallet at a recent showbiz barbeque in his back garden , has been running the brothel which is located above a chip shop in Hove to generate extra income due to the demise of his childrens TV presenting career .

We spoke exclusively to Jeff Charlton who was employed by Mallet as a toilet cleaner and fluffer at the establishment , known simply as ' Barnaby Rudge '

"This all started in about 1992 when they stopped making The Wide Awake Club and Timmy was at a loose end of a Saturday morning - he has always had unusual tastes sexually and as he a lump sum redundancy from ITV decided to use the funds to provide a service to individuals with similar tastes . His thing is dressing up the handicapped in Dickensian garb and coaching them to speak in a Dickensian style , this really gives him the horn ! He had requested this service in various mainstream brothels in Hove but found their attention to detail fell short of his pedantic expectations...Great Expectations , if you like ! so he decided to start this venture up - The dirty cunt !

"Each room in the brothel was themed around a popular Dickens novel and each mong , flid or retard we recruited had to have acheived at least GCSE English Literature Grade C ( or equivelant ) before undertaking employment , if not Timmy would pay for them to be tutoured at the local technical college to get them up to speed which he wrote off as a charitable act for tax and reputational purposes . For example we had an Oliver Twist room which involved a Dwarf dressed up as Oliver asking 'Please Sir can I have some more' while bearing his arse - then during the subsequent sex act a one legged Mr Bumble rushed in and beat them both with his crutch while a paraplegic Fagin sat in his wheelchair , rubbing his shabbily gloved hands together and laughing manically . We had an 'Our Mutual Friend' room where devotees of 'Mutual' would recieve hand relief from a one armed Noddy Boffin while fiddling with his parts till they went off . The Old Queeriosity Shop was popular with our Gay clients as it involved the customer being 'roasted' by a blind Kit Nubbins and Dick Swiveller , the client was introduced the room naked and the two pro's had to find them by touch - we got fantastic feedback from that one ! Our most popular room by far was Great Sexpectations , the customer takes pleasure from a bed-bound Miss Haversham who then sets herself on fire then a burley Abel Magwich with a severe speach impediment bursts into the room and bums them both in the style of a Nineteenth centuary convicts bullyramming , Timmy was particularly fond of that one !"

What sort of individuals used these services ?

" Well we had allsorts and it was very discreet - the rooms were dressed to a very high standard and the reception room downstairs was operated as a traditional Victorian Ginshop . Timmys showbiz connections generated a lot of custom as the brothel was an open secret in such circles - Chris Tarrant was fond of a bit of Oliver and Noel Edmonds once singed his beard on a flaming Miss Havesham , Oh how we laughed ! We had AA Gill the pointless twatty writer from the Times in - I think he did all the rooms but complained about the quality of the gruel we served in the Oliver room , Plumb gargling arts critic Brian Sewell used to come in at Christmas as we did a Christmas Carol room from November to January in which we used chains and real ghosts , he loved that did Brian . The showbiz thing was part of the downfall as last week we had Peter Andre visit as he had booked an hour in The Tail and Two Titties room as it involves a titwank off a big titted retard dressed up as Miss Pross the Governess - he has been missing such things since his split from Jordan - of course he turned up with a camera crew and a load of photographers and we were busted ! Timmy was visiting that day as he was checking out standards - The Police arrived to arrest him but he distracted them with his gaudy shirt , hit them with his mallet and escaped in a waiting Hansom cab and we havent heard from him since - I personally think he is lying low in a slum in London somewhere with the stable of workhouse urchin pickpockets that he has been mentoring over the last two years with his companion Corky who is a lifesize hand carved wooden doll , a bit like Aunt Sally but with the eyes of a girl seeking intercourse with the Devil , who he talks too and sleeps with ! He may not be found for years as I know he has a Clipper on standby at Dover waiting to take him to France incase of exposure -plus he has several chests full of treasure from his pickpockets and he recieved all the Disabled Living Allowance and Invalidity Benefit from the workers in the Brothel - He's minted !"

Here we end the strange tale of Timmy Mallet - Pimp , Pervert , apallingly dressed Benefit cheat , doll bummer and Wacaday cunt !

The Great Detective in Repose

...Conciousness crept over me like an icy wave - unsure of my surroundings -smells and sounds invaded my senses - the sweet aroma of the opiate - streaked the underlying acrid stench of depravity - What fresh Hell is this ? - a goat cried out in anguish 'Meeeehhh' - then stopped - Stillness pounding - a headache - a bastard behind the eyes - my sight blurred I attempted to focus and evaluate my plight within a cloud of fetid murk .

Shifting slightly I detected a warmth of my flanks and on futher investiagtion I discovered the presence of two naked , thankfully human -sexually indeterminate beings - unconscious but breathing either side of me - their origin it seemed to be the Far East as they were furnished with sexual characteristics both male and a female ! The trunk of my body appeared to be strewn with the fiberous remains of a soft citrus fruit - possibly a blood orange . I was clad in only a tattered pair of strupets stockings and the sturdy leather apron commonly worn by blacksmiths - on lifting this I dicovered my flaccid hampton adourned with some sort of sexual contraption common in Arabia I believe - tethered at the foot of the ramshackle cot I was lying in , was a male Goat - of the type common to most Northern European countries - Its yellow eyes seemed to mock my being to the core and may well have been the eyes of Satan himself in the context of this foul midden , but it wasn't . Beside me on a table sat the paraphenalia of my greatest vice - the Demon Opiate - I had undertaken use of my indulgence to enable my mind to grapple with the challenges of my current case - The strange murder of General Sir Jeffrey-Charlton of the Victorian Scottish Rifles - his body discovered in The Limehouse district of London wrapped in a carpet - his face hideously contorted and evidence suggesting he was buggered to death several days earlier by person unknown .

I suddenly became aware of an approaching shuffeling gait , I quickly feigned unconscousness - as the footsteps grew nearer - I was aware of the flickering light of a candle dancing across my prone form and detected uneven breath near my face its stench being similar to the Bear cages I had seen at the Russian Circus I had visited on a previous case . I openned my eyes and was confronted my the Gargoylesque features of a hideously deformed hunchbacked Chinaman - In these days of advanced Medical exploration he was truly study worthy - as Watson would have observed he had evidently lost his footing upon the completion of an ascent of the much lauded ugly tree and unfortunately struck every branch during his hasty descent . I mustered my strength and bellowed 'Gadzooks ! I shall have at you , Sir !' Despite his dispicable and fearsome visage - alarm was palpably obvious in his eyes - with a few infernal subhuman grunts he scuttled away as best as his twisted limbs could carry him . As he alighted i noticed a crescent shaped hole in the seat of his roughshod britches - undoubtedly very similar to the scrap of hessian of Eastern manufacture I had discovered on investigation the body of the murdered General !

My mind now alert , I was desperate to extricate myself from my current plight and share my discovery with Watson . The noise generated during the exchange with my Oriental aquaintence had evidently caused my companions to stir - as I attempted to rise their eager hands , danced across my nether regions pawed my naked flesh as they uttered presumeably depraved phrases in their native tongue -I paused - reached for my loaded opium pipe , lighted the vapourising oil lamp and drew the foul poison in to my lungs and allowed its sluttish seductions to be victorious over my better reason - as my companions dragged my down the greasy pole of depravity one more time - 'Curse You God For Making Me This Way ' I cried before becoming completely immersed in the gloom...

Text taken from Sherlock Holmes And The Case of The Embuggered General By Arthur Conan Doyle and is part of the ocaisional series Great Detectives in Unlikely Sexual Situations . Future issues include Poirot - Cum on My Spats and Miss Marple and The Village Fate Jam Judging Spit Roast.

SATANISM ON THE RISE , GOD HAS FORSAKEN US , THE CHURCH IS FUCKED !

A substantial increase in Satanic activity , including sacrifice has been noted as the United Kingdom lies limp - like a spent cock in the leather studded guantlet of the cruel dominatrix of the global credit crisis . We spoke exclusively to Sergeant Reverand Jeff Charlton , an ordained priest and unecessarily brutal hardman copper , from the Metropolitan Police's Devils and Ghost Squad . His specialist squad, which includes a tame ghost , a mystical Pikey , Derek Ancorah and some Liquorice Imps - are tasked with the investigation and containment of diabolical activity and paranormal mischief , including the incarceration of protagonists in a specially built unit - a bit like on Ghostbusters but probably in hell or something .


Sgt Rev Charlton explains " During the last six months as financial pressures have mounted on the average family we have seen people turning to alternative methods to improve their situations . I would liken it to behaviors exhibited in society in less enlightened times , such as a sacrifices being made to ensure that a harvest was successful and associated pagan rites . People have cottoned on to the fact that theres absolutely no fucking point praying to God as he forsook the human race round about the time Alcopops and ringtones were invented and people started saying 'Cunt' on the telly "



He continues " Over the last week alone we have had a Wicker Man style burning of a perfectly friendly tramp in Swindon , which we believe was done to aid in the sourcing of an away strip for a local under 10's football team , A man sacrificed a goat on the bonnet of his Vauxhall Astra to ensure its smooth passage through its MOT - despite his offering it still failed on emisssions - We also had reports of a multi-individual La Veyan style 'sex magic' ritual taking place in an Aldi carpark in Aberdeen as the store had run out of bread - this was initially thought to be a dogging incident , however the bulk of the protagonists appear to have been wearing Aldi staff uniform and it took place in broad daylight - the porridge wogs have a history diabolical involvement as illustrated in the movie Wicker Man - the dirty cunts "



" We have also seen an increase of individuals atempting to summon ancient Demonic beings such as Danone , Treseme and Pasquale - they seem to be trying to harness diabolical powers for their own ends . I personally dealt with an individual who was attempting to raise Satan on his patio - he had made a DIY alter out of a milk crate and a disposable barbacue and had thrown his daughters pet hamster on as an offering - his neighbours came round with a bottle of wine and a potato salad as they smelled barbaque and discovered him cock-handed , atempting to add his man-essence to the ritual for good measure and called the Police - he tried to evade arrest but tangled the Asda halloween cloak he was wearing on a trellis while vaulting a privet - we discovered on questioning that he had applied for planning permission for an extension and hoped The Arch Grumble Duke could use his powers to get in through the planning department before the weather turned to keep costs down . I feel it pertinent to mention at this point that the individual did own a copy of 'Bat Out Of Hell' by Meatloaf - you can draw your own conclusions from that ! '



" We also have a number of public figures who have embraced the Dark Side - TV Weatherman Michael Fish is a devotee of Crowley and uses magick to divine the weather for his forecasts , TV's Nick Owen has established an Anton La Vey style Church of Satan in Luton -we think this is more to do with him dipping his wick with a load of filthy goth slappers rather than any true belief in Lucifer - Julia Bradbury from TV's Watchdog considers herself Satans Earthly fuck-puppet and the UK's foremost Satanic temple whore - how can we take consumer advice seriously from someone who is getting rodgered off the Devil and probably several of his minions ? If they think diabolical influences will aid their careers they are well off the mark - If that was the case Bradbury wouldn't have such funny looking Pinochio nose - though I fucking definately would , have you seen her in her wellies on Countryfile ! - Also dog fighting is more likely to be added to our primetime schedules than Owen & Fish !

What action can we expect from Church Authorities ?

" The Church are too busy protecting...er dealing with their peadophile problem and the fallout of having an ex-priest dancing around like a fucking bellend on Britains Got Talent and running about on the track at Brands Hatch dressed as a fucking pixie "

He Adds " I would point out to the the Government that my remit also includes Ghosts - i need more manpower and funding due to the increase in Satanic activity - the Ghosts have been under-policed of late and are very active in several areas of crime such as burglary , pickpocketing and prostitution . They are paticularly active in historical buildings such as The Houses Of Commons - We wouldn't want the ghost of Churchill to fly up Gordon Browns shit-pipe during Prime Ministers Question Time , now would we ?

Parts

Took the car to my local independant Fast Fit centre today , a rather grubby gentleman asked if I wanted him to inspect my back pipe - as I have had concerns regarding the soundness of the exhaust system I said yes - before I knew it I was bent over the inspection pit and his 'C' was indisputedly right up my 'A' and his colleague , the tyre fitter , was subjecting me to rough oral . I hope they fitted genuine parts !

DIY

I visited my local Independent DIY supplier today , the proprietor approached me and asked If I "fancied a bit of rough" as I had originally visited the store for sandpaper I answered Yes . Before I knew it I was bent over the key cutting machine with his 'C' right up my 'A' and the counter assistant was enjoying a party in my mouth ! And people say 'Support local tradesmen' - that would never happen in B&Q !